IMMIGRATION CRACKDOWN HITS TOONTOWN

By Ricky Trickle, Proboscis Toon Affairs Correspondent

TOONTOWN, CA—As Donald Trump’s new hardline immigration policies go into effect, increasingly frequent raids by Immigration Control and Enforcement have been tearing apart families and striking fear into the heart of immigrant communities. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Toontown, the close-knit Los Angeles neighborhood populated by some of the most beloved cartoon characters in America.

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I say I say I say build the wall!

Since the election, a sharp line has been drawn here, between native-born cartoons and their immigrant neighbors. “It’s terrible,” said Clarabelle cow, a longtime resident of Toontown. “It’s unamerican. These are our friends, our neighbors. They’re a part of the community. We’ve worked together for years. Our children go to the same school. And now, this! I mean, it’s like the Gestapo. For god’s sake, they came in the middle of the night and took Dora away in handcuffs!”

From the Canadian born Rocky and Bullwinkle (strangely enough, Boris and Natasha have been allowed to stay, and regularly visit Trump’s Mar a Lago resort), to the Australian Tazmanian Devil, foreign national cartoons from all over the world have been affected. Dora the Explorer, Pepe le Pew, and more have had their visas revoked and have been detained by immigration authorities, pending deportation. Marvin the Martian, having made several credible threats to destroy the earth, has been transported to an undisclosed overseas location for “questioning.”

“Oui oui, I am le French, why do you try to deport me to le Mexico?” said Pepe le Pew, another longtime legal resident who has been caught up in the ICE dragnet. “Le America, she is my home, my lover. Why do you try to take me from my lover?” Mr. Le Pew then began dry-humping the ICE agents who were arresting him.

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Speedy Gonzales’ home was vandalized, apparently with very tiny spraypaint.

Along with the immigration raids, the Trump administration’s new policies have emboldened racism and xenophobia in Toontown. A spate of vandalism and harassment has been reported throughout the neighborhood. “That pinche pendejo pussygato,” said longtime resident Speedy Gonzales, gesturing towards his vandalized home, “he painting swastikas and shit on mi casa. I mean, that pussygato, he was always an asshole, but now since we got El Presidente Naranja, all of a sudden he theenk it’s okay. He come around here again, I fuck heem up.”

Not everyone is unhappy about the change. Well known local cartoons Sylvester the Cat, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and Bluto have benefited from the government’s hiring binge. Wearing his new Immigration Control and Enforcement uniform, Southern rooster and noted racist Foghorn Leghorn commented, “I say I say I say we’re gonna make America great again, boy! We got no more need of that there political correctness, and I’m just as happy as a pig in mud. Since we got President Trump in office I say I say I ain’t gotta say ‘Cotton-pickin’ no moah, now I can just call ’em niggas again.”

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Donald Duck, well-known asshole (seen here listening to Rush Limbaugh), predictably supports Donald Trump.

Scrooge McDuck, a foreign national who donated heavily to the Trump Campaign (and coincidentally has not been targeted in recent immigration raids), thinks it’s about time. “I don’t hate all immigrants, nae,” he said, in a jolly Scottish accent, “I am one. But fer me it’s different. Because I’m white, conservative, and I have an imperial shit-ton of money. But these nae good Mexican cartoons, they’re nae sendin’ us their best, they’re sendin’ us their raepists and their marderers. We’ve got te keep those brown folk out until we figure out what’s goin’ on. In fact, me construction company is going to be building the wall.”

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THE PROBOSCIS GUIDE TO DC’S SECRET CRIMINAL FETISH RESTAURANTS

By Zip Slipper, Proboscis Restaurant Critic

WASHINGTON, DC—Everybody knows about Comet Ping-Pong Pizza. Or at least they do now. Following exposure by right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, Comet Ping-Pong’s dark secret is out of the bag: Now we know that this unassuming pizza place is really a front for a dark, sinister scheme, with a secret, hidden basement chock-full of sex trafficked children, serving the perverted desires of the liberal DC establishment.

But what many people don’t know is that Comet Ping Pong is just one in a thriving economy of secret, illegal debauchery restaurants all around the capitol, catering to every twisted whim that our nation’s corrupted power structure could possibly come up with.

“It’s definitely a growth industry,” says Cheryl Biggler, restaurant critic for Zagats. “You’d think it would have discouraged this sort of thing, when Comet Ping-Pong was exposed, but just the opposite happened. It put them on the map. Pretty soon, every restaurateur in DC was putting in a secret torture dungeon, or a kitten stomping room. Now it’s the hot new restaurant format.”

For those of you who are chomping at the bit to combine a classic dining experience with the dark, twisted underbelly of the human psyche, the Proboscis has compiled the ultimate list of DC’s secret, illegal fetish restaurants.

Comet Ping-Pong Pizza and Pedophilia

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If it wasn’t true, people couldn’t put it on the internet. Checkmate, alt-fact deniers!

The one, the only, the original. The restaurant that started off the Secret fetish dungeon restaurant craze. Patronized by such notables as Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Stop by on a Friday night, and you might see Hillary Clinton herself, enjoying an extra-large Canadian bacon pizza with Huma Abedin, while Bill sneaks off to Comet’s secret back room and sodomizes small children. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.

 


Randy Andy’s Steakhouse and Bestiality

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“Damn you, Bessie, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right now.”

At Randy Andy’s, sometimes you have the steak . . . and sometimes the steak has you. separated from their rural districts, many conservative legislators miss the simple comforts of home. That’s why, after a grueling day of stripping rights from women, immigrants, and minorities, they’ll stop by this charming rustic steakhouse to enjoy a perfectly cooked porterhouse, and then commit unlawful sexual acts upon a variety of farm animals. From roosters to Clydesdales, pitching or catching, Andy has you covered. When they say, “Fuck a duck,” they mean it.


Handsi-san Sushi, Karaoke, and Frottage

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“If you didn’t secretly like this, you wouldn’t be taking public transportation.”

We don’t know why, but it seems like Japan just has some kind of fascination with nonconsensual groping. And just like sushi, anime, and quality compact cars, this Japanese trend has invaded the US. At Handsi-san sushi you too can enjoy the debauched thrill of feeling up some stranger that don’t even wanna be felt up. In the hidden basement below this top-rated sushi bar, you’ll find a full-scale replica of a subway train, packed with real young professionals and students. Savor the lecherous thrill as you “accidentally” grind your genitals against a nun, enjoy a schoolgirl’s looks of shock and horror when you grab a handful of taut young flesh, or stare frankly at a well-dressed professional woman’s boobs for an uncomfortable length of time as she shudders in disgust and tries to gauge your capacity for physical violence.


Jim-Bob’s Hamburgers, classic arcade, and wife-beating

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“Then I says to her, Darlene, why you gotta make me beat on you? I done tol’ you to get that garage cleaned out.”

Some things, sadly, you just can’t get away with in polite DC company. That’s where Jim-Bob’s comes to the rescue. For all those displaced rural folks working in DC, here’s the place you can reconnect with your roots, and deal with your problems the way your granddaddy would have wanted you to: By blaming your wife and physically assaulting her. After enjoying our classic Bacon Cheeseburger and some skee-ball, go to Jim-Bob’s secret water tower room, where  you’ll find an exact replica of a broken down single wide trailer. There, bathed in the smell of stale cigarette smoke, moldy couch, and cat piss, you can scream at a submissive woman, blame her for your problems, and then beat her within an inch of her life, while you explain to her that it’s her fault and you only do it because you love her.


Jolene’s Casual Kitchen and Homeless Murder

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“My God, these blueberry pancakes are to die for!”

Classics never go out of style. Classics like waffles, blueberry pancakes, and strangling transients to death with your bare hands. We source only the finest free range homeless people for your murdering pleasure. Enjoy Jolene’s grand slam egg platter and a cup of gourmet coffee, then put a rain slicker on over your business suit and whistle classical music while you chase a homeless person through their parking garage with a fire ax, then chop them into little pieces and stuff the remains in a trash bag.


Ali’s Falafel, Laser-tag, and Drone Strikes

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“Get wrecked, n00b. By ‘noob’ I mean, random civilian.”

Enjoy some of the greatest middle-eastern cuisine on the east coast, while you use state of the art telepresence technology  to pilot a remote-controlled aircraft over an undisclosed country on the Arabian peninsula, then unleash hellfire missiles, machine guns, and unrelenting terror upon the civilian populace down below. Is that an insurgent headquarters or a children’s hospital? Better bomb it just to be safe. Hey, what country are you  bombing, anyway? Nah, just kidding. We don’t even give a shit.

TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

COOTER IS ABDUCTED BY THE MEN IN BLACK

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.

I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.

It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.

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My new best pal Chupey.

You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to (more…)

TRUMP COLLAPSES AFTER PUSSY HAT GRABBING RAMPAGE

By Mano Pequeño, Proboscis Presidential Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the inauguration ceremony, more than a million Americans took to the streets of their nation’s capitol, in a women’s march to protest the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Many of the protesters out on the streets that day showed their support for women’s rights by crafting and wearing “pink pussy” hats, pink knit hats with cat ears, a clever play on words designed as a response to the new president’s propensity for nonconsensually grabbing women’s genitals.

Unfortunately for the newly inaugurated president, that sea of pink, knit, vagina symbolism was close enough to the real thing to get the Donald’s rape-motor running. That vaguely yonic headgear was to Donald J. Trump what waving a red flag is to an angry bull.

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The Donald’s propensities and poor language comprehension have already caused a few embarrassing mix-ups.

From his window in the oval office, Trump, making phone calls to his supporters, noticed the crowd of protesters outside. As he registered the thousands and thousands of pink hats, his tiny hands began to shake. His breathing became deep and fast, and sweat beaded his orange forehead. To the caller on the phone, he said, “Look Vlad, the girls are going to have to wait at the airport. Something’s come up. Yeah, tell them to to just go ahead and go. They can drink more water when they get here.”

Trump-wranglers Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon tried (more…)

MINDFUL OF RURAL WHITE SHAME, GOVERNMENT INTRODUCES “COUNTRY FOLK WELFARE”

By Gus Gargle, Proboscis Rural Affairs Correspondent

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A hard workin’ salt of the earth.

CARP HOLE, AL—Jerry Burlap was raised on good, rural American values: Hard work and clean living. He was raised to believe that a man could provide for himself and his family, no matter what. That as long as a man had a strong back, good Christian Values, and a willingness to work hard, nothing could stop him from being successful. He was raised to believe that welfare was something for the lazy, shameless poors, inner city minorities who spit out dozens of children to mooch off of government benefits, who went generations without even considering finding a job.

But times are hard in Carp Hole. When the (more…)

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)