comedy news

IMMIGRATION CRACKDOWN HITS TOONTOWN

By Ricky Trickle, Proboscis Toon Affairs Correspondent

TOONTOWN, CA—As Donald Trump’s new hardline immigration policies go into effect, increasingly frequent raids by Immigration Control and Enforcement have been tearing apart families and striking fear into the heart of immigrant communities. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Toontown, the close-knit Los Angeles neighborhood populated by some of the most beloved cartoon characters in America.

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I say I say I say build the wall!

Since the election, a sharp line has been drawn here, between native-born cartoons and their immigrant neighbors. “It’s terrible,” said Clarabelle cow, a longtime resident of Toontown. “It’s unamerican. These are our friends, our neighbors. They’re a part of the community. We’ve worked together for years. Our children go to the same school. And now, this! I mean, it’s like the Gestapo. For god’s sake, they came in the middle of the night and took Dora away in handcuffs!”

From the Canadian born Rocky and Bullwinkle (strangely enough, Boris and Natasha have been allowed to stay, and regularly visit Trump’s Mar a Lago resort), to the Australian Tazmanian Devil, foreign national cartoons from all over the world have been affected. Dora the Explorer, Pepe le Pew, and more have had their visas revoked and have been detained by immigration authorities, pending deportation. Marvin the Martian, having made several credible threats to destroy the earth, has been transported to an undisclosed overseas location for “questioning.”

“Oui oui, I am le French, why do you try to deport me to le Mexico?” said Pepe le Pew, another longtime legal resident who has been caught up in the ICE dragnet. “Le America, she is my home, my lover. Why do you try to take me from my lover?” Mr. Le Pew then began dry-humping the ICE agents who were arresting him.

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Speedy Gonzales’ home was vandalized, apparently with very tiny spraypaint.

Along with the immigration raids, the Trump administration’s new policies have emboldened racism and xenophobia in Toontown. A spate of vandalism and harassment has been reported throughout the neighborhood. “That pinche pendejo pussygato,” said longtime resident Speedy Gonzales, gesturing towards his vandalized home, “he painting swastikas and shit on mi casa. I mean, that pussygato, he was always an asshole, but now since we got El Presidente Naranja, all of a sudden he theenk it’s okay. He come around here again, I fuck heem up.”

Not everyone is unhappy about the change. Well known local cartoons Sylvester the Cat, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and Bluto have benefited from the government’s hiring binge. Wearing his new Immigration Control and Enforcement uniform, Southern rooster and noted racist Foghorn Leghorn commented, “I say I say I say we’re gonna make America great again, boy! We got no more need of that there political correctness, and I’m just as happy as a pig in mud. Since we got President Trump in office I say I say I ain’t gotta say ‘Cotton-pickin’ no moah, now I can just call ’em niggas again.”

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Donald Duck, well-known asshole (seen here listening to Rush Limbaugh), predictably supports Donald Trump.

Scrooge McDuck, a foreign national who donated heavily to the Trump Campaign (and coincidentally has not been targeted in recent immigration raids), thinks it’s about time. “I don’t hate all immigrants, nae,” he said, in a jolly Scottish accent, “I am one. But fer me it’s different. Because I’m white, conservative, and I have an imperial shit-ton of money. But these nae good Mexican cartoons, they’re nae sendin’ us their best, they’re sendin’ us their raepists and their marderers. We’ve got te keep those brown folk out until we figure out what’s goin’ on. In fact, me construction company is going to be building the wall.”

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COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)

HEALTH CRISIS TRICKLES DOWN TO AMERICA’S VAMPIRES

By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”

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A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just (more…)

ELVES SEEK ASYLUM AS NORTH POLE HORROR REVEALED

By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent

THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.

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Escape is forbidden. Elf border guards have orders to shoot on sight.

“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”

According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

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Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)

HABITAT DESTRUCTION DRIVES LEPRECHAUNS INTO URBAN AREAS

BOSTON, MA—After years of unchecked logging and urban development steadily destroying the habitat of the Leprechaun, the elusive mythical species has been forced closer and closer to urban areas to find food, shelter, and places to hide their magical gold.

As the forests that the tiny creatures called home are turned into sprawling suburbs, shopping malls, and movie theaters, Leprechauns have no choice but to migrate, ending up in city parks, back yards, and alleyways. Where once they reigned over verdant valleys, lush glades, and sparkling creeks, now Leprechauns are forced to make do with parking lots, baseball diamonds, and culverts. But the species is proving to be surprisingly adaptable, carving out a home amongst the unused sections of the urban landscape.

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Leprechauns in the trash are becoming a headache for the residents of suburban Boston.

For the most part, Leprechauns are elusive and wary of human beings. But they have been known to be extremely aggressive when a human inadvertently wanders too close to their hidden Leprechaun gold. In addition, Leprechauns are known to carry diseases that can be passed on to both humans and animals. A group of school children, after unwisely cornering one feisty (more…)

NOBLE PATRIOT DEFENDS WOMEN’S BATHROOM FROM TRANSEXUALS BY DRESSING UP AS WOMAN, HANGING AROUND WOMEN’S BATHROOMS

By John Peeper, Proboscis Women’s Bathroom Correspondent

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Shocked and frightened about the existential threat he didn’t know about until Fox News told him about it several weeks ago, Dixon decided to take matters into his own hands.

RALEIGH, NC—”It’s just scary,” says Cletus Dixon, as he carefully reapplies his fire-engine red lipstick, “they could be anywhere, you know?” He leans against the sink in the women’s bathroom of the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina, and purses his lips, before closing them over a piece of tissue paper. He takes a moment to admire his work, then moves on to his eyeshadow. “I mean, god. Men who want to dress up as women, it’s just so wrong. Fucking perverts.”

Dixon, a 35 year old pastor at a nearby Church, says he was inspired to take up this mission after seeing reports on Fox news about the mortal danger (more…)