Month: April 2015

MCDONALD’S DENIES ALLEGATIONS OF DISCRIMINATION AGAINST MINORITIES WHOM IT GRINDS INTO HAMBURGER

By Claire Faucet, Proboscis Food Critic

McDonald's spokesman:

McDonald’s spokesman: “If we apologize nicely, you’ll forget all about this in a week.”

OAKBROOK, IL- in a written press release, McDonald’s chain of fast-food restaurants vehemently denied allegations that it discriminates against the homeless persons, illegal immigrants, and convicted felons whom it butchers and grinds into hamburger patties.

“McDonald’s categorically denies these allegations. We absolutely do not discriminate against any ethnic or population group. We treat these Meat-Product Americans the same way we would treat any desperate, economically disadvantaged demographic with vague legal status who falls through the cracks of the American justice system.”

“It is of course true (more…)

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LOCAL MAN ACCOSTED, ANALLY PROBED BY ALIENS IN REST-STOP BATHROOM

By Fig Flagler, Proboscis Society Correspondent

reststop

Mr. Boseman is so traumatized by his encounter, he just can’t stop thinking about it.

PALMDALE, CA- “Up until then, it’d been a pretty normal night.” Gus Boseman, night clerk at a local motel, describes his harrowing encounter. “It was a Saturday night, you know, and I’d just been hangin’ out in the men’s room of the rest-stop off of the 14. I’d been in there for maybe forty-five minutes, you know, just hangin’ out. Then all of a sudden (more…)

ROSWELL MAN FINDS ALIEN STAR-DRIVE; MAKES IT INTO BONG

By Fred Flaccid, Proboscis Science Correspondent

dude

Shadowy government agents examine UFO wreckage in 1947, shortly before initiating a massive and far-reaching coverup.

ROSWELL, NM— In 1947, this small desert town was the site of the most famous UFO incident in history, when an alien craft allegedly crashed at a local ranch. Ever since, the area has been a mecca for UFO researchers and enthusiasts. Despite the enthusiasm, a government cover-up of the incident left believers with no physical evidence to prove that the crash actually happened.

That is, until this last Friday. That’s when local pizza delivery man Dale Macguff accidentally found something that managed to remain hidden for nearly seventy years, despite diligent searches from (more…)

CLIMATE CHANGE IS OUR ONLY HOPE

You might think this was a problem, if you didn't know better.

You might think this was a problem, if you didn’t know better.

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV- Cooter here. Sorry about the radio silence, folks. Ol’ Cooter had to drink two bottles of cough syrup and go on a vision quest. But I’m back now, and I need to speak my mind.

Lots of folks these days are talking about global warming, and lots of folks are upset that no matter how much we talk, no matter how bad it gets, nothing gets done. People are getting pretty fed up with politicians and such ignoring the problem. Well you know what (more…)

TEEN HAS NO IDEA WHY GENIE GRANTED HIM A GIANT ROOSTER

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This unassuming incense burner held an ancient magical creature

By Mark Dingle, Proboscis Magic Correspondent

SCRANTON, PA- Eddie Mung was just looking for an incense burner, so he could hide the smell of pot in his grandma’s basement. Little did the teenager know that the brass incense holder he picked up at the Goodwill for two forty-nine was actually the repository of an ancient and powerful magical creature.

Djinn, well known in Arabic folklore, are known for granting wishes to whomever frees them from their prison. However, it is also well known that Djinn, sometimes known as Genies, are tricksome creatures who can (more…)

FOLLOWING HEAD INJURY, MAN SPEAKS FLUENT CLICKBAIT

localman

“He was just walking home from work,” says Bob Fitzgibbon, “what happened next will make you cringe.”

By Carl Mudberg, Proboscis Science Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY-  Last September, a freak accident changed Bob Fitzgibbon’s life forever. While walking home from his job as a parking lot attendant, Bob had the misfortune to be directly below a laptop which had been knocked off a twelfth story balcony. After spending two weeks in a coma, Bob woke up. But something was different.

“Doctors hate him.” Says Fitzgibbon. “This one weird trick (more…)