By Claire Faucet, Proboscis Food Critic
McDonald’s spokesman: “If we apologize nicely, you’ll forget all about this in a week.”
OAKBROOK, IL- in a written press release, McDonald’s chain of fast-food restaurants vehemently denied allegations that it discriminates against the homeless persons, illegal immigrants, and convicted felons whom it butchers and grinds into hamburger patties.
“McDonald’s categorically denies these allegations. We absolutely do not discriminate against any ethnic or population group. We treat these Meat-Product Americans the same way we would treat any desperate, economically disadvantaged demographic with vague legal status who falls through the cracks of the American justice system.”
“It is of course true (more…)
By Fig Flagler, Proboscis Society Correspondent
Mr. Boseman is so traumatized by his encounter, he just can’t stop thinking about it.
PALMDALE, CA- “Up until then, it’d been a pretty normal night.” Gus Boseman, night clerk at a local motel, describes his harrowing encounter. “It was a Saturday night, you know, and I’d just been hangin’ out in the men’s room of the rest-stop off of the 14. I’d been in there for maybe forty-five minutes, you know, just hangin’ out. Then all of a sudden (more…)
By Fred Flaccid, Proboscis Science Correspondent
Shadowy government agents examine UFO wreckage in 1947, shortly before initiating a massive and far-reaching coverup.
ROSWELL, NM— In 1947, this small desert town was the site of the most famous UFO incident in history, when an alien craft allegedly crashed at a local ranch. Ever since, the area has been a mecca for UFO researchers and enthusiasts. Despite the enthusiasm, a government cover-up of the incident left believers with no physical evidence to prove that the crash actually happened.
That is, until this last Friday. That’s when local pizza delivery man Dale Macguff accidentally found something that managed to remain hidden for nearly seventy years, despite diligent searches from (more…)
The staff of the Mud Lake Proboscis would like to apologize for any and all mistakes in spelling, grammar, and punctuation. We feel the need to remind you that our editor-in-chief is an elderly, semi-lucid drug addict with a sixth-grade education. We thank you for your patience.
You might think this was a problem, if you didn’t know better.
By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief
MUD LAKE, NV- Cooter here. Sorry about the radio silence, folks. Ol’ Cooter had to drink two bottles of cough syrup and go on a vision quest. But I’m back now, and I need to speak my mind.
Lots of folks these days are talking about global warming, and lots of folks are upset that no matter how much we talk, no matter how bad it gets, nothing gets done. People are getting pretty fed up with politicians and such ignoring the problem. Well you know what (more…)
This unassuming incense burner held an ancient magical creature
By Mark Dingle, Proboscis Magic Correspondent
SCRANTON, PA- Eddie Mung was just looking for an incense burner, so he could hide the smell of pot in his grandma’s basement. Little did the teenager know that the brass incense holder he picked up at the Goodwill for two forty-nine was actually the repository of an ancient and powerful magical creature.
Djinn, well known in Arabic folklore, are known for granting wishes to whomever frees them from their prison. However, it is also well known that Djinn, sometimes known as Genies, are tricksome creatures who can (more…)
“He was just walking home from work,” says Bob Fitzgibbon, “what happened next will make you cringe.”
By Carl Mudberg, Proboscis Science Correspondent
NEW YORK, NY- Last September, a freak accident changed Bob Fitzgibbon’s life forever. While walking home from his job as a parking lot attendant, Bob had the misfortune to be directly below a laptop which had been knocked off a twelfth story balcony. After spending two weeks in a coma, Bob woke up. But something was different.
“Doctors hate him.” Says Fitzgibbon. “This one weird trick (more…)
By Gus Guzzasaga, Proboscis Society Correspondent
Og, pictured here, has faced harassment and discrimination since reporting his bizarre encounter
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA- Until a few weeks ago, Og was a perfectly normal and happy member of the closeknit community of Bigfoot that inhabit the deep woods of the Pacific Northwest. All that changed, he says, the day he spotted a strange, pasty-white creature wandering along a dry river bed.
“I was just out minding my own business, picking some berries,” Says Og, “When I saw it. It was the strangest thing. It stood up on two legs like me, but it was just a tiny little thing, and it was pink and hairless like a baby mole. It scared the shit out of me.”
Og escaped the terrible creature and quickly (more…)
By Fig Flagler, Proboscis Society Correspondent
MUD LAKE, NV— “Yep, there she is.” Jeff Garvey opens the door to his old shed and points to the rotted lump of canvas stretched over a chicken-wire frame. Two black plastic eyes made from old coffee can lids stare sightlessly back at us. “That’s what all the fuss was about.”
For more than thirty years, the Mud Lake monster, affectionately dubbed “Murky” by the residents of this tiny shit-stain of a town in the Nevada desert, has been a subject of fierce debate and conjecture. The first alleged sighting of the monster, captured on film by a younger Jeff Garvey, touched off a flurry of sightings. For a while Mud Lake became a tourist’s and paranormal researcher’s mecca.
The lake, however (more…)
By Dwight Crapman, Proboscis Science Correspondent
GRAND JUNCTION, CO— Paleontologists at Drex Draxler University recently announced the discovery of a trove of unicorn fossils in the mountains of Colorado, proving once and for all that the mythical horned creatures did, in fact, once roam ancient earth.
The fossils, recovered from a remote dig site, are nearly identical to modern horses, save for the single sparkly rainbow horn protruding (more…)