Politics

COOTER IS ABDUCTED BY THE MEN IN BLACK

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.

I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.

It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.

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My new best pal Chupey.

You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to (more…)

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)

CLINTON RELEASES POLICY STATEMENT IN MAD-LIB FORMAT

By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.

Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)

JABBA THE HUTT EMERGES AS FRONTRUNNER IN GALACTIC PRESIDENTIAL RACE; SENTIENT BEINGS DUMBFOUNDED

By Max Rebo, Proboscis Galactic Affairs Correspondent

CORUSCANT, CORUSCANT SYSTEM—What started out as a bad joke is quickly turning into a nightmare for rational, sentient beings of the galaxy, as the brutal criminal warlord Jabba The Hutt is well on his way to securing a galactic presidential nomination.

Jabba the Hutt, longtime godfather of the Hutt crime syndicate based on the desert planet of Tatooine, was long thought to have died during the destruction of his sail barge by rebel forces. But the gangster recently reappeared on the intergalactic scene, this time as a presidental candidate.

“Fuck everything,” says Leia Organa, former leader of (more…)

Trump wins debate by fatality

By Reba Colander, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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Trump set the tone for the debate early on, giving Jeb Bush an “atomic wedgie.”

GREENVILLE, SC—After months of bitter debate, divisive campaigning, accusations, and name-calling that would embarrass elementary school children, the most recent Republican debate took a turn for the gruesome, leaving Donald Trump the Republican candidate by default after the aging tycoon brutally murdered his primary opponents.

The debate started like any other. The candidates filed onto stage, smiling and waving amongst scattered applause and boos. The moderator began with (more…)

A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO THE AMERICAN CAUCUS SYSTEM

By Cooter Jackson, Editor In Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Well, it’s election time, and ol’ Cooter here is happier than a tornado in a trailer park. Once every four years, we the American people are treated to this fine spectacle, a veritable three-ring circus of bloated egos, outlandish promises, and shameless approval-seeking that would make a high school prom queen blush.

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George Washington, father of our country, famously said of the caucus system, “Seriously you guys, this is the best you could come up with?”

We’ve just now dipped a toe into the primary season, where each of our political parties decides who their candidate will be for the general election. This often happens by way of a process known as a caucus. As you know, I am something of a political expert, but even I get confused by the caucus system. What you have to realize is that it’s all based on time-honored traditions, developed by the infallible wisdom of people who lived a long time ago, back in the times when bloodletting was state-of-the-art medical technology, and dentistry involved a stout piece of oak and a pair of pliers.

Once you get a handle on it, the caucus system makes just as much sense as, lets say, American units of measurement. It’s simple enough: an inch, itself a totally arbitrary measure, is divided into sixteenths, eighths, quarters, and halves. Twelve inches is a foot. Three feet is a yard, 5,280 feet is a mile. Makes perfect sense! Much more (more…)