By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”


A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just want something quick and easy, so you can veg out and watch Netflix. But, pretty soon you get used to it. You get to like the sugary taste. You crave that carb rush. Then, little by little, you put on a few pounds. Your cardio isn’t what it once was, because you’re not chasing after your prey anymore. Next thing you know, you’re prowling the aisles of your local Costco, hoping your mobility scooter is faster than the one you’re chasing.”


“Blaaaoh my God a root canal costs that much?!”

Dental visits are increasing as well, as the sugar-saturated blood of their American victims contributes to dental caries among the undead population. “See this fang?” says Vlad Dracula, “It’s fake.” He pops his dental bridge out, showing the gap in his smile. “The other one is a veneer. I’ve had like twelve cavities and a root canal in the last three years. I’ve been alive for seven hundred years, and I never had to brush my fangs before.”

Healthcare and drug providers have been quick to take advantage of the growing market segment. Pharmacies, clinics, and dentist’s offices have begun offering after-dark appointment times. Insulin, syringe, and blood test manufacturers are enlisting the help of celebrity vampires to make inroads into the diabetic vampire demographic.


“Von, two, three blood glucose tests per day, ah-ha-ha! Ask your doctor if Accucheck is right for you.”

“The problem with traditional customers,” says one anonymous drug manufacturer, “is that they die. Especially if they really need our product. In the long run we’re just kicking the can down the road. But vampires, they’re immortal. If they need a drug, they need it forever. I mean, forever.” The pharmacy exec pulls his chair in closer to his desk, to hide the growing bulge in his pants. “I mean, what can I say? They’re the perfect customer.”

“My God, people, take care of yourselves,” says famed vampire William the Bloody. “I feel like I’m biting into a bloody bottle of high-fructose corn syrup. Blood is supposed to have a complex, subtle bouquet. There are layers. Aftertastes. Undernotes. But you people, it’s like you just go and just dump sugar into it until it’s crunchy. For God’s sake, you wankers taste like a kid’s breakfast cereal.”


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