Month: June 2016

BREAKING NEWS: WIFI SIGNALS TURN ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO DOUCHECANOES WHILE ONLINE

By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)

md91VQ

Computer simulation of Wifi Turdbaggification Syndrome (WTF)

“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”

The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.

The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of (more…)

Advertisements

IN WAKE OF PRIMARY ELECTIONS, VOTERS SUPPORT THIRD-PARTY RANCID DUMPSTER FOR PRESIDENT

By Brett Burgle, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

BARSTOW, CA—The Democratic and Republican primaries all but over, voters are faced with the stark choice between a bloated, bloviating, racist man-child and a cackling Machiavellian crime lord. But a surprise contender has entered the race, and is gaining followers as a preferable option to either Clinton or Trump.

dumpsterThat candidate is Rancid Dumpster. A rusted, battered steel container standing five feet tall, it’s bottom caked in a four-inch deep layer of garbage, old food, dead rats and hobo vomit, packed down by years of daily use, baked in the hot sun to form a pungent crust. Its wheel bearings are rusted solid, and it’s hard rubber wheels dried and cracked. The dumpster (more…)