journalism

TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

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Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)