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TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

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COOTER IS ABDUCTED BY THE MEN IN BLACK

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.

I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.

It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.

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My new best pal Chupey.

You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to (more…)

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)

HEALTH CRISIS TRICKLES DOWN TO AMERICA’S VAMPIRES

By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”

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A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just (more…)

ELVES SEEK ASYLUM AS NORTH POLE HORROR REVEALED

By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent

THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.

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Escape is forbidden. Elf border guards have orders to shoot on sight.

“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”

According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: WIFI SIGNALS TURN ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO DOUCHECANOES WHILE ONLINE

By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)

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Computer simulation of Wifi Turdbaggification Syndrome (WTF)

“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”

The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.

The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of (more…)

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)