Cooter’s Corner

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

lixardo

Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)

A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO THE AMERICAN CAUCUS SYSTEM

By Cooter Jackson, Editor In Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Well, it’s election time, and ol’ Cooter here is happier than a tornado in a trailer park. Once every four years, we the American people are treated to this fine spectacle, a veritable three-ring circus of bloated egos, outlandish promises, and shameless approval-seeking that would make a high school prom queen blush.

Rushmore 2

George Washington, father of our country, famously said of the caucus system, “Seriously you guys, this is the best you could come up with?”

We’ve just now dipped a toe into the primary season, where each of our political parties decides who their candidate will be for the general election. This often happens by way of a process known as a caucus. As you know, I am something of a political expert, but even I get confused by the caucus system. What you have to realize is that it’s all based on time-honored traditions, developed by the infallible wisdom of people who lived a long time ago, back in the times when bloodletting was state-of-the-art medical technology, and dentistry involved a stout piece of oak and a pair of pliers.

Once you get a handle on it, the caucus system makes just as much sense as, lets say, American units of measurement. It’s simple enough: an inch, itself a totally arbitrary measure, is divided into sixteenths, eighths, quarters, and halves. Twelve inches is a foot. Three feet is a yard, 5,280 feet is a mile. Makes perfect sense! Much more (more…)

LOVE, LOSS, AND COOTER’S TRIUMPHANT RETURN

By Cooter Jackson, editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV–Greetings, dear readers. First of all, I have to apologize for my extended absence from the world of hard-hitting journalism. You see, old Cooter’s been going through some life changes. It all started about six months ago. I knew change was on the wind. I felt it in my bones, a restlessness, a vague longing that kept me awake at night. I knew that soon, I would be cast upon fate’s ocean like a wind-blown leaf, sent like some biblical prophet to wander the trackless wastes of the earth in search of a greater truth.

senatedoor

While I sent three thousand horse dildos to various government officials, only twenty five hundred were turned in to the Capitol Police.

That, and some hybrid mutant alien clones disguised as federal agents confiscated my hard drive and served me with a bench warrant. I swear to god, the fascists that run this country. If hosting torrents for thirty seven hundred terabytes of hard-core pornography is illegal, then I guess I’m a criminal. If using Dick Cheney’s credit card and social security number to purchase three thousand latex horse dildos and having them shipped to every member of congress is against the law, you’d better slap the cuffs on me.

In any case, I thought it was a good (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: OBAMA IS SQUIRREL CONSPIRACY ROBOT CLONE

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-In-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV- Greetings, fans of the truth. Cooter here. I’ve just returned from a pilgrimage to the foul, ulcerated heart of our so-called government, posing as a normal tourist while I witnessed the grim machinery of totalitarianism that is Washington, DC.

librarycops

“Sir, do not place your genitals on the display cases.”

Say, did you know that you’re required by “law” to wear pants inside the Library of Congress? I sure didn’t. And I didn’t see a sign posted anywhere, either. Of course they mention shirts and shoes, but in typical big government fashion, those fascist librarians are just waiting to hang you with their hidden loopholes. I mean, I tried to let them know that I was a sovereign citizen and ambassador of Mud Lake, and thereby not bound by the draconian laws of the District of Columbia and it’s territories. But do you think that pack of capitol police officers listened? Those corn-fed Nazis might have the guns and the numbers, but yours truly gave them a run for their money, I tell you what.

Having anticipated this grievous assault on (more…)

WE MUST PROTECT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MONGOLIAN DEATH-WORMS

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV— Cooter here. Greetings, friends. It’s been a while. Well, ol’ Cooter was going to blow all your minds with a piece of investigative journalism about the ghosts inside the haunted women’s locker room of the Mud Lake Junior College, but somebody found the hidden cameras, and there was a bit of a misunderstanding. But it’s okay. Yours truly just made bail, and I’m going to fight this slander all the way to the supreme court.

But that’s not important right now, because I’ve got something very important to talk to you all about. I need to warn you about an invasion taking place under our very noses, threatening to undermine the very (more…)

CLIMATE CHANGE IS OUR ONLY HOPE

You might think this was a problem, if you didn't know better.

You might think this was a problem, if you didn’t know better.

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV- Cooter here. Sorry about the radio silence, folks. Ol’ Cooter had to drink two bottles of cough syrup and go on a vision quest. But I’m back now, and I need to speak my mind.

Lots of folks these days are talking about global warming, and lots of folks are upset that no matter how much we talk, no matter how bad it gets, nothing gets done. People are getting pretty fed up with politicians and such ignoring the problem. Well you know what (more…)