Trump

TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

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TRUMP COLLAPSES AFTER PUSSY HAT GRABBING RAMPAGE

By Mano Pequeño, Proboscis Presidential Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the inauguration ceremony, more than a million Americans took to the streets of their nation’s capitol, in a women’s march to protest the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Many of the protesters out on the streets that day showed their support for women’s rights by crafting and wearing “pink pussy” hats, pink knit hats with cat ears, a clever play on words designed as a response to the new president’s propensity for nonconsensually grabbing women’s genitals.

Unfortunately for the newly inaugurated president, that sea of pink, knit, vagina symbolism was close enough to the real thing to get the Donald’s rape-motor running. That vaguely yonic headgear was to Donald J. Trump what waving a red flag is to an angry bull.

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The Donald’s propensities and poor language comprehension have already caused a few embarrassing mix-ups.

From his window in the oval office, Trump, making phone calls to his supporters, noticed the crowd of protesters outside. As he registered the thousands and thousands of pink hats, his tiny hands began to shake. His breathing became deep and fast, and sweat beaded his orange forehead. To the caller on the phone, he said, “Look Vlad, the girls are going to have to wait at the airport. Something’s come up. Yeah, tell them to to just go ahead and go. They can drink more water when they get here.”

Trump-wranglers Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon tried (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

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Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)

IF NOT ELECTED, HILLARY THREATENS TO DETONATE DONALD TRUMP

By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.

clintonbombHillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to (more…)

IN WAKE OF PRIMARY ELECTIONS, VOTERS SUPPORT THIRD-PARTY RANCID DUMPSTER FOR PRESIDENT

By Brett Burgle, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

BARSTOW, CA—The Democratic and Republican primaries all but over, voters are faced with the stark choice between a bloated, bloviating, racist man-child and a cackling Machiavellian crime lord. But a surprise contender has entered the race, and is gaining followers as a preferable option to either Clinton or Trump.

dumpsterThat candidate is Rancid Dumpster. A rusted, battered steel container standing five feet tall, it’s bottom caked in a four-inch deep layer of garbage, old food, dead rats and hobo vomit, packed down by years of daily use, baked in the hot sun to form a pungent crust. Its wheel bearings are rusted solid, and it’s hard rubber wheels dried and cracked. The dumpster (more…)

OBAMA AUTHORIZES DRONE STRIKE ON DONALD TRUMP

By Wally Waggler, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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The difficult decision was made with full bipartisan support.

WASHINGTON DC—In an unprecedented move, United States president Barack Obama announced today that he has authorized the use of remotely piloted hunter-killer drones against prospective Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Said Obama in a press conference, “Yes, this is illegal, and it violates the constitution in more ways than I can even think of. However, after talking it over with my advisors and legal counsel, we decided to just go ahead with it, because fuck that guy.

“Eventually we decided, why should (more…)

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)