By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief
MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.
I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.
I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.
I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.
As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully fact check, and use our own common sense. As Barack Obama, after eight years of honoring his office with grace and dignity in the face of unprecedented opposition, after leading us out of recession and making real, steady progress towards a brighter future, prepares to leave the White House with the same reverence for our democratic traditions in which he served, his lovely, intelligent wife and his—
Ha, did you see what I did there? Lies! All lies! I just made that up. I’m sorry I lied to you, dear readers. I am. I know you trust Cooter, and I hate to jeopardize that trust. But I had to prove a point. I had to make you realize that even the most batshit insane theories can seem legitimate, when typed up nicely on a blog post. I just made you think that Barack Obama was a good president, and that he’s going to peacefully leave the office after eight years, as per his constitutional duties. When we all know that he did his level best to sell us out to the Lizard Kingdom, and that now he’s simply waiting until the eleventh hour, when he’ll tear off his human mask and reveal the robotic death-machine exoskeleton beneath, and use his eye-laser kill-beams to blast our Dear Leader Trump into fatty giblets on the inaugural stage. Then it’s FEMA camps all the way down.
How, you ask, how can I protect myself from this onslaught of fake news? How can I know that I’m not being cynically manipulated by Russian agents, by liberal commie socialists, or by the Lizard-people troll castes, bred and trained from birth to lurk on social media and article comments, derailing discussions with ad hominem attacks and specious bullshit? Well, for one, you could rely solely on the Proboscis’s journalistic integrity.
But aside from that, you could use a little common sense, and a few simple guidelines:
1. Check your sources
Let’s not pretend. There are some news sources that are better than others. Take, for example, the Washington Post, or the New York Times. They’re institutions. They’ve been around for centuries, dutifully and soberly reporting on the news, speaking truth to power, even at risk to themselves, and occasionally to the lives of their reporters. They’ve broken some of the biggest stories in our country’s history, stories that, decades later, have been proven to be completely and objectively true. Little things like The Pentagon Papers, or Watergate. Their reporters have cumulatively received hundreds of Pulitzer prizes.
But they haven’t once reported on the threat of the Lizard People! They stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the existence of underground cities, the island nation of Lemuria, or the Nazi moon bases. They’ve never once acknowledged Hillary Clinton’s predilection for devouring small children. The mainstream media is full of lies. How can we trust an “institution” that won’t acknowledge these basic, obvious facts? In fact, when you lock someone up because they’re crazy, you institutionalize them. So what does that make an “institution?” Crazy! See, I’m not crazy, they’re crazy!
How do I know the mainstream media is lying to me? I just know. I feel it. And that’s the most important part. See, you don’t want cited sources. You don’t want reputation. You don’t want authorities on subjects. You want truth. And truth doesn’t need to cite sources, employ professionals, or adhere to high standards of grammar and punctuation. If a reporter is capable of stringing a few sentences together into a coherent paragraph, free of glaring typos, it’s basically a dead giveaway that they’ve been corrupted by the liberal “education” system. Don’t trust them.
So, stay away from the lame-stream media. If there’s an editorial board, if their reporters have a relevant degree or a Linkedin account, if they list journalistic standards and ethics, they’re full of lies. And if they’ve ever retracted a story, you know they can’t be trusted. After all, if they’re willing to change their minds about one thing, how can they be sure about anything at all? It’s a slippery slope. Best not to start down it.
How do you spot an honest news source? First of all, look at the title. For example, if a website is titled, REALPATRIOTNEWSTRUTH.ru, it’s as good as gold. I mean, break it down. It’s real patriot news truth. Says it right in the title. Doesn’t get any more obvious than that. Checkmate, liberals. You want to look for a lack of cited sources (the Bible being a notable exception. If they quote the Bible, it must be true), misspellings, ad hominem attacks, and key phrases spelled out in all caps. If it looks like it was typed out by a spun-out old man with an eighth grade education, living in a trailer in the desert, it’s probably true. And remember, real news doesn’t report the news, it tells you how you should feel about the news. You’ll be outraged when you find out what Shillary just did to this small child!
2. If you find it on Facebook, it’s true
If you didn’t find the article on your second cousin’s Facebook page, right between a link to a fishing bloopers video and a badly decayed “Hillary for Prison” meme, don’t believe it. These days, truth is crowdsourced. The more people believe it, the more true it must be. Trust me, I believe it, so it’s definitely true. Likes and shares = Truth.
3. Don’t trust them liberal intellectuals
They’re sad, when you think about it. Take scientists, for example. They grow up watching Bill Nye and Carl Sagan, raised on liberal science lies. They distinguish themselves in their schoolwork, get accepted to a good college, grind and grind and grind for four years, going into debt while learning the bedrock of the sciences: biology, algebra, calculus, statistics, just to gain the most basic foundation of knowledge that will allow them to even comprehend the modern state of the sciences. In their college years, they sacrifice their social lives and their free time, compressing three hundred years of scientific advancement into four years time, just to be on the same page as the greater scientific community.
Then those poor bastards go for a master’s degree. They choose a specialty and devote their lives to it, going even deeper in debt while they delve deeper and deeper into these subjects, becoming experts in their fields, gaining a depth of understanding that allows them to fully grasp the functioning of the incredibly complex, dynamic systems that make up our planetary ecosystem, and the various political and economic systems that objectively make our society function.
After that, those poor, tortured souls might go for a PhD and start teaching, surviving on a paltry stipend, pursuing their love of learning over their potential to earn an income, humbly doing their best to boil their understanding down and communicate their findings with the masses. They spend their lives studying their subjects, striving for greater knowledge, communicating with thousands of their peers worldwide, always learning, making incremental progress, adding to the collective knowledge of our species.
And for what? All so that they can spread damned lies, to serve our Lizard overlords. What kind of terrible threat must these “scientific” “experts” live under, that can convince 99% of the scientific community to lie to our faces and tell us that anthropogenic climate change is real and caused by human beings? Really, who are you going to believe about the economy, a liberal with a PhD in economics and a Nobel Prize, or a noble lone patriot with a GED, who works at the Pharma-Barn and publishes a wordpress blog? That guy at the drug store, he hasn’t got a damned thing left to lose. That’s why he can tell you the truth.
4. Stay in your truth bubble
They’ll try to confuse you with things like citing sources, pointing out the glaring inconsistencies and contradictions in your beliefs, or showing you lists of common logical fallacies, but don’t fall for it. Stay strong, brothers. Avoid conflicting opinions and beliefs as if your very sanity depends upon it. Once you let liberal logic and reason in, everything falls apart. Don’t let it happen to you.
I recommend constructing a Truth Bubble for yourself and your loved ones. This can be simple or elaborate, but it must contain a few simple elements. It must block out all outside stimuli, save for your computer screens. A sensory deprivation chamber would be ideal, but a sufficiently soundproofed hall closet will suffice. When you have been exposed to unhealthy liberal lies like evolution or gay dolphins, you need to retreat into your safe space, lock the door and watch Alex Jones videos while listening to Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump campaign speeches until you feel the calming warmth of total confidence wash over you. Remember, the truth is not negotiable. Those treasonous liberals might fool you into thinking that the world is a complicated place, that issues are huge and complex, that there might not be a perfect solution for everything, that people have conflicting needs and desires that must be accounted for, that negotiating a compromise is a messy, yet ultimately worthwhile endeavor. Don’t believe it! If someone tells you that complex economic and geopolitical issues can’t be completely solved in the space of a five minute YouTube rant, they’re lying to you. Stay in your bubble at all costs. Be sure and protect your family, as well. Family members have been known to reject truth therapy, so you may want to equip their seats with restraint harnesses. Duct tape will do in a pinch.
Well folks, I hope that helps. Stick to your Truth-guns, and don’t buy into our lizard overlords’s web of lies. Good luck out there.
-Cooter P. Jackson
Mud Lake, Nevada