By Zip Slipper, Proboscis Restaurant Critic
WASHINGTON, DC—Everybody knows about Comet Ping-Pong Pizza. Or at least they do now. Following exposure by right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, Comet Ping-Pong’s dark secret is out of the bag: Now we know that this unassuming pizza place is really a front for a dark, sinister scheme, with a secret, hidden basement chock-full of sex trafficked children, serving the perverted desires of the liberal DC establishment.
But what many people don’t know is that Comet Ping Pong is just one in a thriving economy of secret, illegal debauchery restaurants all around the capitol, catering to every twisted whim that our nation’s corrupted power structure could possibly come up with.
“It’s definitely a growth industry,” says Cheryl Biggler, restaurant critic for Zagats. “You’d think it would have discouraged this sort of thing, when Comet Ping-Pong was exposed, but just the opposite happened. It put them on the map. Pretty soon, every restaurateur in DC was putting in a secret torture dungeon, or a kitten stomping room. Now it’s the hot new restaurant format.”
For those of you who are chomping at the bit to combine a classic dining experience with the dark, twisted underbelly of the human psyche, the Proboscis has compiled the ultimate list of DC’s secret, illegal fetish restaurants.
Comet Ping-Pong Pizza and Pedophilia
If it wasn’t true, people couldn’t put it on the internet. Checkmate, alt-fact deniers!
The one, the only, the original. The restaurant that started off the Secret fetish dungeon restaurant craze. Patronized by such notables as Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Stop by on a Friday night, and you might see Hillary Clinton herself, enjoying an extra-large Canadian bacon pizza with Huma Abedin, while Bill sneaks off to Comet’s secret back room and sodomizes small children. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.
Randy Andy’s Steakhouse and Bestiality
“Damn you, Bessie, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right now.”
At Randy Andy’s, sometimes you have the steak . . . and sometimes the steak has you. separated from their rural districts, many conservative legislators miss the simple comforts of home. That’s why, after a grueling day of stripping rights from women, immigrants, and minorities, they’ll stop by this charming rustic steakhouse to enjoy a perfectly cooked porterhouse, and then commit unlawful sexual acts upon a variety of farm animals. From roosters to Clydesdales, pitching or catching, Andy has you covered. When they say, “Fuck a duck,” they mean it.
Handsi-san Sushi, Karaoke, and Frottage
“If you didn’t secretly like this, you wouldn’t be taking public transportation.”
We don’t know why, but it seems like Japan just has some kind of fascination with nonconsensual groping. And just like sushi, anime, and quality compact cars, this Japanese trend has invaded the US. At Handsi-san sushi you too can enjoy the debauched thrill of feeling up some stranger that don’t even wanna be felt up. In the hidden basement below this top-rated sushi bar, you’ll find a full-scale replica of a subway train, packed with real young professionals and students. Savor the lecherous thrill as you “accidentally” grind your genitals against a nun, enjoy a schoolgirl’s looks of shock and horror when you grab a handful of taut young flesh, or stare frankly at a well-dressed professional woman’s boobs for an uncomfortable length of time as she shudders in disgust and tries to gauge your capacity for physical violence.
Jim-Bob’s Hamburgers, classic arcade, and wife-beating
“Then I says to her, Darlene, why you gotta make me beat on you? I done tol’ you to get that garage cleaned out.”
Some things, sadly, you just can’t get away with in polite DC company. That’s where Jim-Bob’s comes to the rescue. For all those displaced rural folks working in DC, here’s the place you can reconnect with your roots, and deal with your problems the way your granddaddy would have wanted you to: By blaming your wife and physically assaulting her. After enjoying our classic Bacon Cheeseburger and some skee-ball, go to Jim-Bob’s secret water tower room, where you’ll find an exact replica of a broken down single wide trailer. There, bathed in the smell of stale cigarette smoke, moldy couch, and cat piss, you can scream at a submissive woman, blame her for your problems, and then beat her within an inch of her life, while you explain to her that it’s her fault and you only do it because you love her.
Jolene’s Casual Kitchen and Homeless Murder
“My God, these blueberry pancakes are to die for!”
Classics never go out of style. Classics like waffles, blueberry pancakes, and strangling transients to death with your bare hands. We source only the finest free range homeless people for your murdering pleasure. Enjoy Jolene’s grand slam egg platter and a cup of gourmet coffee, then put a rain slicker on over your business suit and whistle classical music while you chase a homeless person through their parking garage with a fire ax, then chop them into little pieces and stuff the remains in a trash bag.
Ali’s Falafel, Laser-tag, and Drone Strikes
“Get wrecked, n00b. By ‘noob’ I mean, random civilian.”
Enjoy some of the greatest middle-eastern cuisine on the east coast, while you use state of the art telepresence technology to pilot a remote-controlled aircraft over an undisclosed country on the Arabian peninsula, then unleash hellfire missiles, machine guns, and unrelenting terror upon the civilian populace down below. Is that an insurgent headquarters or a children’s hospital? Better bomb it just to be safe. Hey, what country are you bombing, anyway? Nah, just kidding. We don’t even give a shit.
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