opinion

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: WIFI SIGNALS TURN ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO DOUCHECANOES WHILE ONLINE

By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)

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Computer simulation of Wifi Turdbaggification Syndrome (WTF)

“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”

The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.

The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of (more…)

DEAR GAYS: STOP BEING SO DAMNED WHOLESOME. LOVE, SATAN

SATANSatan’s Soapbox

By Satan, Proboscis Guest Columnist

Satan here. As you all know, people have associated me with homosexuality since the beginning of time. But surprisingly enough, I’ve only recently become aware of this whole “homosexual agenda” thing, and I think it’s high time I put a stop to this nonsense.

I mean, really. Love? Marriage? Holy matrimony? Monogamy? Major celebrities out and proud? Legal protection at the federal level? I see what you’re up to, and this just needs to stop.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the gays. But I think you’re all forgetting (more…)