Month: March 2016

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)

STUDENTS FLOCK TO NEW COLLEGE THAT ONLY CHARGES AN ARM AND A LEG

By Beryl Bobbler, Proboscis Education Correspondent

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“It was either this or a non-dischargeable, variable rate loan. I regret nothing.”

Peoria, IL—Students are excited about Oakbrook College’s new payment plan, which allows them to pay for their education without being dragged down by usurious student loans for the next fifty years.

Instead of traditional monetary payment, for which most American college students go deeply in debt, causing far-reaching financial consequences, Oakbrook’s students only need to donate one arm and one leg of their choosing.

“It was really simple,” says Monica Smith, a sophmore at Oakbrook, “they were very professional. After I signed all the paperwork, they numbed me up, slapped on a tourniquet, and whack! Chopped them right off. Then they gave me a free Go Stumpers tee shirt.”

“I mean, college always costs an arm and a leg,” says William Cludge, a senior, “at least (more…)