By Todd Tickler, Proboscis Financial Correspondent
NEW ORLEANS, LA—It’s a classic American love story. A young man at a seedy dockside bar meets a beautiful woman. She buys him a drink. The drink is is drugged, and he passes out. The young man wakes up, hours later, in an ice-filled bathtub in a dingy motel room, with freshly stitched incisions on his abdomen. His kidneys have been stolen, taken to be sold on the international organ black market.
Billy Sludge argues that his business can’t be immoral, because he’s standing in front of a large American flag.
It’s also a story of the triumph of good old American free-market capitalism. According to Billy Sludge, founder of the organ theft industry, it’s a story of pluck and moxie, of a poor young man bootstrapping his way to a comfortable life of luxury, with little more than some date-rape drugs, a sharp knife, an Igloo cooler, and a total willingness to slice open a perfect stranger and steal their organs for cold, hard cash.
Hillary Clinton removes her human mask at a recent Lizard-People campaign event.
NEW YORK, NY—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is scrambling, as her polling numbers tumble among trans-dimensional lizard-people.
Clinton, herself being a cold-blooded reptilian overlord surgically implanted into a human-clone body and sent through trans-dimensional space to pave the way for colonization and enslavement of the earth, has long been a favorite among her fellow trans-dimensional lizard people, and was considered a shoo-in for the democratic nomination. But 2016 is shaping up to be a very different campaign season, as the beleaguered politician loses support from even (more…)
Satan here. I’ve concluded negotiations with Cooter Jackson, editor of this fine publication, and in exchange for certain…currency…I’ve agreed to occasionally write an op-ed column for The Mud Lake Proboscis. And so, for the first installment of the new column Satan’s Soapbox, I’d like to talk about some fellows who have been making a lot of headlines lately. I’m talking about ISIS, the Islamic terrorist organization currently rampaging through the Middle East, murdering and raping their way to establishing a medieval style Islamic caliphate. I have a message for these upstarts:
Please. Just stop. It’s tacky. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
MUD LAKE, NV–Greetings, dear readers. First of all, I have to apologize for my extended absence from the world of hard-hitting journalism. You see, old Cooter’s been going through some life changes. It all started about six months ago. I knew change was on the wind. I felt it in my bones, a restlessness, a vague longing that kept me awake at night. I knew that soon, I would be cast upon fate’s ocean like a wind-blown leaf, sent like some biblical prophet to wander the trackless wastes of the earth in search of a greater truth.
While I sent three thousand horse dildos to various government officials, only twenty five hundred were turned in to the Capitol Police.
That, and some hybrid mutant alien clones disguised as federal agents confiscated my hard drive and served me with a bench warrant. I swear to god, the fascists that run this country. If hosting torrents for thirty seven hundred terabytes of hard-core pornography is illegal, then I guess I’m a criminal. If using Dick Cheney’s credit card and social security number to purchase three thousand latex horse dildos and having them shipped to every member of congress is against the law, you’d better slap the cuffs on me.