By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent
THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.
“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”
According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)