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IMMIGRATION CRACKDOWN HITS TOONTOWN

By Ricky Trickle, Proboscis Toon Affairs Correspondent

TOONTOWN, CA—As Donald Trump’s new hardline immigration policies go into effect, increasingly frequent raids by Immigration Control and Enforcement have been tearing apart families and striking fear into the heart of immigrant communities. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Toontown, the close-knit Los Angeles neighborhood populated by some of the most beloved cartoon characters in America.

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I say I say I say build the wall!

Since the election, a sharp line has been drawn here, between native-born cartoons and their immigrant neighbors. “It’s terrible,” said Clarabelle cow, a longtime resident of Toontown. “It’s unamerican. These are our friends, our neighbors. They’re a part of the community. We’ve worked together for years. Our children go to the same school. And now, this! I mean, it’s like the Gestapo. For god’s sake, they came in the middle of the night and took Dora away in handcuffs!”

From the Canadian born Rocky and Bullwinkle (strangely enough, Boris and Natasha have been allowed to stay, and regularly visit Trump’s Mar a Lago resort), to the Australian Tazmanian Devil, foreign national cartoons from all over the world have been affected. Dora the Explorer, Pepe le Pew, and more have had their visas revoked and have been detained by immigration authorities, pending deportation. Marvin the Martian, having made several credible threats to destroy the earth, has been transported to an undisclosed overseas location for “questioning.”

“Oui oui, I am le French, why do you try to deport me to le Mexico?” said Pepe le Pew, another longtime legal resident who has been caught up in the ICE dragnet. “Le America, she is my home, my lover. Why do you try to take me from my lover?” Mr. Le Pew then began dry-humping the ICE agents who were arresting him.

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Speedy Gonzales’ home was vandalized, apparently with very tiny spraypaint.

Along with the immigration raids, the Trump administration’s new policies have emboldened racism and xenophobia in Toontown. A spate of vandalism and harassment has been reported throughout the neighborhood. “That pinche pendejo pussygato,” said longtime resident Speedy Gonzales, gesturing towards his vandalized home, “he painting swastikas and shit on mi casa. I mean, that pussygato, he was always an asshole, but now since we got El Presidente Naranja, all of a sudden he theenk it’s okay. He come around here again, I fuck heem up.”

Not everyone is unhappy about the change. Well known local cartoons Sylvester the Cat, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and Bluto have benefited from the government’s hiring binge. Wearing his new Immigration Control and Enforcement uniform, Southern rooster and noted racist Foghorn Leghorn commented, “I say I say I say we’re gonna make America great again, boy! We got no more need of that there political correctness, and I’m just as happy as a pig in mud. Since we got President Trump in office I say I say I ain’t gotta say ‘Cotton-pickin’ no moah, now I can just call ’em niggas again.”

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Donald Duck, well-known asshole (seen here listening to Rush Limbaugh), predictably supports Donald Trump.

Scrooge McDuck, a foreign national who donated heavily to the Trump Campaign (and coincidentally has not been targeted in recent immigration raids), thinks it’s about time. “I don’t hate all immigrants, nae,” he said, in a jolly Scottish accent, “I am one. But fer me it’s different. Because I’m white, conservative, and I have an imperial shit-ton of money. But these nae good Mexican cartoons, they’re nae sendin’ us their best, they’re sendin’ us their raepists and their marderers. We’ve got te keep those brown folk out until we figure out what’s goin’ on. In fact, me construction company is going to be building the wall.”

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HEALTH CRISIS TRICKLES DOWN TO AMERICA’S VAMPIRES

By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”

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A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just (more…)

IF NOT ELECTED, HILLARY THREATENS TO DETONATE DONALD TRUMP

By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.

clintonbombHillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: WIFI SIGNALS TURN ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO DOUCHECANOES WHILE ONLINE

By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)

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Computer simulation of Wifi Turdbaggification Syndrome (WTF)

“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”

The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.

The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of (more…)

IN WAKE OF PRIMARY ELECTIONS, VOTERS SUPPORT THIRD-PARTY RANCID DUMPSTER FOR PRESIDENT

By Brett Burgle, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

BARSTOW, CA—The Democratic and Republican primaries all but over, voters are faced with the stark choice between a bloated, bloviating, racist man-child and a cackling Machiavellian crime lord. But a surprise contender has entered the race, and is gaining followers as a preferable option to either Clinton or Trump.

dumpsterThat candidate is Rancid Dumpster. A rusted, battered steel container standing five feet tall, it’s bottom caked in a four-inch deep layer of garbage, old food, dead rats and hobo vomit, packed down by years of daily use, baked in the hot sun to form a pungent crust. Its wheel bearings are rusted solid, and it’s hard rubber wheels dried and cracked. The dumpster (more…)

HABITAT DESTRUCTION DRIVES LEPRECHAUNS INTO URBAN AREAS

BOSTON, MA—After years of unchecked logging and urban development steadily destroying the habitat of the Leprechaun, the elusive mythical species has been forced closer and closer to urban areas to find food, shelter, and places to hide their magical gold.

As the forests that the tiny creatures called home are turned into sprawling suburbs, shopping malls, and movie theaters, Leprechauns have no choice but to migrate, ending up in city parks, back yards, and alleyways. Where once they reigned over verdant valleys, lush glades, and sparkling creeks, now Leprechauns are forced to make do with parking lots, baseball diamonds, and culverts. But the species is proving to be surprisingly adaptable, carving out a home amongst the unused sections of the urban landscape.

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Leprechauns in the trash are becoming a headache for the residents of suburban Boston.

For the most part, Leprechauns are elusive and wary of human beings. But they have been known to be extremely aggressive when a human inadvertently wanders too close to their hidden Leprechaun gold. In addition, Leprechauns are known to carry diseases that can be passed on to both humans and animals. A group of school children, after unwisely cornering one feisty (more…)

NOBLE PATRIOT DEFENDS WOMEN’S BATHROOM FROM TRANSEXUALS BY DRESSING UP AS WOMAN, HANGING AROUND WOMEN’S BATHROOMS

By John Peeper, Proboscis Women’s Bathroom Correspondent

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Shocked and frightened about the existential threat he didn’t know about until Fox News told him about it several weeks ago, Dixon decided to take matters into his own hands.

RALEIGH, NC—”It’s just scary,” says Cletus Dixon, as he carefully reapplies his fire-engine red lipstick, “they could be anywhere, you know?” He leans against the sink in the women’s bathroom of the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina, and purses his lips, before closing them over a piece of tissue paper. He takes a moment to admire his work, then moves on to his eyeshadow. “I mean, god. Men who want to dress up as women, it’s just so wrong. Fucking perverts.”

Dixon, a 35 year old pastor at a nearby Church, says he was inspired to take up this mission after seeing reports on Fox news about the mortal danger (more…)