Month: February 2016

JABBA THE HUTT EMERGES AS FRONTRUNNER IN GALACTIC PRESIDENTIAL RACE; SENTIENT BEINGS DUMBFOUNDED

By Max Rebo, Proboscis Galactic Affairs Correspondent

CORUSCANT, CORUSCANT SYSTEM—What started out as a bad joke is quickly turning into a nightmare for rational, sentient beings of the galaxy, as the brutal criminal warlord Jabba The Hutt is well on his way to securing a galactic presidential nomination.

Jabba the Hutt, longtime godfather of the Hutt crime syndicate based on the desert planet of Tatooine, was long thought to have died during the destruction of his sail barge by rebel forces. But the gangster recently reappeared on the intergalactic scene, this time as a presidental candidate.

“Fuck everything,” says Leia Organa, former leader of (more…)

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MUTANT SEWER-DWELLERS DISPLACED BY SKYROCKETING RENTS

By Norton BelGrande, Proboscis sewer correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Sharkface Jim, the loveable, horribly mutated freak living in the gold-rush era tunnels and sewers under San Francisco, is moving on after fifty years in his beloved city. After years of hyperbolic rent increases fueled by gentrification, the tech boom, and poor urban planning, he’s finally being squeezed out.

sharkface

Sharkface Jim, another victim of unchecked gentrification.

“This filthy pool of human waste is my home, you know?” says Jim, “But I just can’t afford it. This was always my city. I’ve been here since the sixties. I partied with the Grateful Dead. But the rents, man, they’re crazy. Ever since google moved in, and the rest of the tech companies, you just can’t find a place. I mean, I used to stay here for free,” says Jim, gesturing towards the filthy, reeking urban cave he used to call home, “but my landlord jacked the rent up to three thousand a month. For a sewer. An actual sewer. Some tech kid (more…)

DEAR GAYS: STOP BEING SO DAMNED WHOLESOME. LOVE, SATAN

SATANSatan’s Soapbox

By Satan, Proboscis Guest Columnist

Satan here. As you all know, people have associated me with homosexuality since the beginning of time. But surprisingly enough, I’ve only recently become aware of this whole “homosexual agenda” thing, and I think it’s high time I put a stop to this nonsense.

I mean, really. Love? Marriage? Holy matrimony? Monogamy? Major celebrities out and proud? Legal protection at the federal level? I see what you’re up to, and this just needs to stop.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the gays. But I think you’re all forgetting (more…)

County privatizes fire department, because the rich are more flammable

By Dobro McWaggle, Proboscis Insurance Correspondent

fire-165575_960_720KLUDGE COUNTY, AL—Late Friday night, Kludge County’s 911 dispatcher received the call: “Hello, my house is on fire.”

“Okay sir,” replied the dispatcher, “can I just get your fire insurance ID number?”

The man sounded a little flustered. “Well, my ID card is in my house. And like I said, it’s on fire.”

The dispatcher sighed. “I can try looking it up with your phone number.”

“The fire is really going now. It’s—oh, there goes the propane tank.”

“Sir, I can’t access your account without your phone number.” The caller rattled off a phone number. “Okay,” said (more…)

Trump wins debate by fatality

By Reba Colander, Proboscis Political Correspondent

wedgie

Trump set the tone for the debate early on, giving Jeb Bush an “atomic wedgie.”

GREENVILLE, SC—After months of bitter debate, divisive campaigning, accusations, and name-calling that would embarrass elementary school children, the most recent Republican debate took a turn for the gruesome, leaving Donald Trump the Republican candidate by default after the aging tycoon brutally murdered his primary opponents.

The debate started like any other. The candidates filed onto stage, smiling and waving amongst scattered applause and boos. The moderator began with (more…)

OBAMA NOMINATES JESUS CHRIST TO SUPREME COURT; REPUBLICANS VOW TO BLOCK APPOINTMENT

scjesus

Jesus Christ, whose legal rulings have set precedent for 2,000 years, has been nominated to the Supreme Court.

By Marlon Cowper, Proboscis Judicial Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the recent death of United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama, after intense discussion with friends and advisors, has nominated Jesus Christ, the Son of God, The Savior of Men, Christ the Redeemer, Emmanuel, to fill the late Justice Scalia’s vacant seat.

Despite Obama’s appointee being The Savior of Mankind worshipped by all of Christianity, Senate Republicans have vowed, no matter what, to do everything they can to block Obama’s appointment to the highest court in the land, no matter who that appointment may be.

“Don’t get me wrong,” says one (more…)

CITY OF FLINT INTRODUCES BOTTLED FLINT MINERAL WATER

By Sherpa Derper, Proboscis Water Affairs Correspondent

FlintwaterFLINT, MI—In a press conference today, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder announced that in order to make up for budget shortfalls, the city of Flint would begin bottling and selling its unique mineral-infused water, straight out of the scenic Flint river.

“The market for vitamin and mineral infused water is huge right now,” says Snyder, “So we said to ourselves, Flint’s water is infused with all kinds of stuff! Instead of looking at our water…issues…as a humanitarian and environmental holocaust, why not make it a positive?  We find that the taste of lead, leached out of our carefully aged plumbing system, adds (more…)