Politics

THE PROBOSCIS GUIDE TO DC’S SECRET CRIMINAL FETISH RESTAURANTS

By Zip Slipper, Proboscis Restaurant Critic

WASHINGTON, DC—Everybody knows about Comet Ping-Pong Pizza. Or at least they do now. Following exposure by right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, Comet Ping-Pong’s dark secret is out of the bag: Now we know that this unassuming pizza place is really a front for a dark, sinister scheme, with a secret, hidden basement chock-full of sex trafficked children, serving the perverted desires of the liberal DC establishment.

But what many people don’t know is that Comet Ping Pong is just one in a thriving economy of secret, illegal debauchery restaurants all around the capitol, catering to every twisted whim that our nation’s corrupted power structure could possibly come up with.

“It’s definitely a growth industry,” says Cheryl Biggler, restaurant critic for Zagats. “You’d think it would have discouraged this sort of thing, when Comet Ping-Pong was exposed, but just the opposite happened. It put them on the map. Pretty soon, every restaurateur in DC was putting in a secret torture dungeon, or a kitten stomping room. Now it’s the hot new restaurant format.”

For those of you who are chomping at the bit to combine a classic dining experience with the dark, twisted underbelly of the human psyche, the Proboscis has compiled the ultimate list of DC’s secret, illegal fetish restaurants.

Comet Ping-Pong Pizza and Pedophilia

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If it wasn’t true, people couldn’t put it on the internet. Checkmate, alt-fact deniers!

The one, the only, the original. The restaurant that started off the Secret fetish dungeon restaurant craze. Patronized by such notables as Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Stop by on a Friday night, and you might see Hillary Clinton herself, enjoying an extra-large Canadian bacon pizza with Huma Abedin, while Bill sneaks off to Comet’s secret back room and sodomizes small children. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.

 


Randy Andy’s Steakhouse and Bestiality

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“Damn you, Bessie, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right now.”

At Randy Andy’s, sometimes you have the steak . . . and sometimes the steak has you. separated from their rural districts, many conservative legislators miss the simple comforts of home. That’s why, after a grueling day of stripping rights from women, immigrants, and minorities, they’ll stop by this charming rustic steakhouse to enjoy a perfectly cooked porterhouse, and then commit unlawful sexual acts upon a variety of farm animals. From roosters to Clydesdales, pitching or catching, Andy has you covered. When they say, “Fuck a duck,” they mean it.


Handsi-san Sushi, Karaoke, and Frottage

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“If you didn’t secretly like this, you wouldn’t be taking public transportation.”

We don’t know why, but it seems like Japan just has some kind of fascination with nonconsensual groping. And just like sushi, anime, and quality compact cars, this Japanese trend has invaded the US. At Handsi-san sushi you too can enjoy the debauched thrill of feeling up some stranger that don’t even wanna be felt up. In the hidden basement below this top-rated sushi bar, you’ll find a full-scale replica of a subway train, packed with real young professionals and students. Savor the lecherous thrill as you “accidentally” grind your genitals against a nun, enjoy a schoolgirl’s looks of shock and horror when you grab a handful of taut young flesh, or stare frankly at a well-dressed professional woman’s boobs for an uncomfortable length of time as she shudders in disgust and tries to gauge your capacity for physical violence.


Jim-Bob’s Hamburgers, classic arcade, and wife-beating

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“Then I says to her, Darlene, why you gotta make me beat on you? I done tol’ you to get that garage cleaned out.”

Some things, sadly, you just can’t get away with in polite DC company. That’s where Jim-Bob’s comes to the rescue. For all those displaced rural folks working in DC, here’s the place you can reconnect with your roots, and deal with your problems the way your granddaddy would have wanted you to: By blaming your wife and physically assaulting her. After enjoying our classic Bacon Cheeseburger and some skee-ball, go to Jim-Bob’s secret water tower room, where  you’ll find an exact replica of a broken down single wide trailer. There, bathed in the smell of stale cigarette smoke, moldy couch, and cat piss, you can scream at a submissive woman, blame her for your problems, and then beat her within an inch of her life, while you explain to her that it’s her fault and you only do it because you love her.


Jolene’s Casual Kitchen and Homeless Murder

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“My God, these blueberry pancakes are to die for!”

Classics never go out of style. Classics like waffles, blueberry pancakes, and strangling transients to death with your bare hands. We source only the finest free range homeless people for your murdering pleasure. Enjoy Jolene’s grand slam egg platter and a cup of gourmet coffee, then put a rain slicker on over your business suit and whistle classical music while you chase a homeless person through their parking garage with a fire ax, then chop them into little pieces and stuff the remains in a trash bag.


Ali’s Falafel, Laser-tag, and Drone Strikes

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“Get wrecked, n00b. By ‘noob’ I mean, random civilian.”

Enjoy some of the greatest middle-eastern cuisine on the east coast, while you use state of the art telepresence technology  to pilot a remote-controlled aircraft over an undisclosed country on the Arabian peninsula, then unleash hellfire missiles, machine guns, and unrelenting terror upon the civilian populace down below. Is that an insurgent headquarters or a children’s hospital? Better bomb it just to be safe. Hey, what country are you  bombing, anyway? Nah, just kidding. We don’t even give a shit.

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COOTER IS ABDUCTED BY THE MEN IN BLACK

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.

I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.

It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.

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My new best pal Chupey.

You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to (more…)

OBAMA AUTHORIZES DRONE STRIKE ON DONALD TRUMP

By Wally Waggler, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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The difficult decision was made with full bipartisan support.

WASHINGTON DC—In an unprecedented move, United States president Barack Obama announced today that he has authorized the use of remotely piloted hunter-killer drones against prospective Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Said Obama in a press conference, “Yes, this is illegal, and it violates the constitution in more ways than I can even think of. However, after talking it over with my advisors and legal counsel, we decided to just go ahead with it, because fuck that guy.

“Eventually we decided, why should (more…)

CLINTON RELEASES POLICY STATEMENT IN MAD-LIB FORMAT

By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.

Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)

CLINTON CAMPAIGN IN TROUBLE AS SUPPORT WANES FROM LIZARD-PERSON BASE

By Gus Gipper, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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Hillary Clinton removes her human mask at a recent Lizard-People campaign event.

NEW YORK, NY—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is scrambling, as her polling numbers tumble among trans-dimensional lizard-people.

Clinton, herself being a cold-blooded reptilian overlord surgically implanted into a human-clone body and sent through trans-dimensional space to pave the way for colonization and enslavement of the earth, has long been a favorite among her fellow trans-dimensional lizard people, and was considered a shoo-in for the democratic nomination. But 2016 is shaping up to be a very different campaign season, as the beleaguered politician loses support from even (more…)