TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via a series of Tweets. “Unfair Magna Carta ended divine right of kings. Sad.” “Low energy Barons pick on King John.” “If so innocent, why do you need lawful judgement of peers? Sad guilty Barons should support winning King.” “Archbishop of Canterbury wrong to broker peace with traitor Barons. Off with their heads!”

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After an awkward silence and a round of polite applause, Trump went on to introduce his “Ban the Sad Magna Carta” act.

Much like the president’s recent statements on American historical figure Frederick Douglas, it seemed as though Donald Trump was not aware that the Magna Carta was signed nearly a thousand years ago, that everyone involved is long dead, and that the document carries no legal weight in the United States. White House staffers, speaking on condition of anonymity, say that Trump’s interest in the document began after he saw a commercial for a documentary while he was watching “Swamp People” on the History Channel.

In an interview with Fox News, Trump said, “I know King John, he’s done some really incredible things, great guy, bigly. He’s almost as popular as I am, even though I don’t think his inauguration, you know, I don’t think it had had six million people there, like mine did. But he’s a great guy. Smart guy. The best. We’re very good friends, he tells me this. But its so sad, these barons, and these dirty peasant people are just so unfair to him. We’ve got to, you know, this whole Magna Carta thing, we’ve gotta get rid of it. It’s sad, that these losers want to, you know, I wouldn’t know because I never lose, but these people, sad little people, just want to stop the kings from having the power. You know, with the Magna, that Magna Carta, The Magna is just a bad thing. Very bad. So we’re getting rid of the Magna.”

In its place, the president suggested the creation of a document known as the MAGA Carta, which, as far as anyone can tell, would simply give Donald Trump unlimited authority to grab pussies.

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a response, written by whoever-the-fuck is currently in charge of the Justice Department.

White house Chief Necromancer Kellyanne Conway clarified Donald’s statements later in the day. “What the President meant is that Hillary Clinton, the ACLU, black people, liberal intellectuals, and the gays all think the Magna Carta was a good thing, which means that it must be evil, and we have to get rid of it. Besides, who needs some kind of a document that tells the person in charge of the country what they can or can’t do? I mean, that sounds like a terrible idea. Good thing we don’t have any documents like that in the United States, that would limit and enumerate the powers of the president. Wow, what a bizarro world that would be.”

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