Month: April 2016

HABITAT DESTRUCTION DRIVES LEPRECHAUNS INTO URBAN AREAS

BOSTON, MA—After years of unchecked logging and urban development steadily destroying the habitat of the Leprechaun, the elusive mythical species has been forced closer and closer to urban areas to find food, shelter, and places to hide their magical gold.

As the forests that the tiny creatures called home are turned into sprawling suburbs, shopping malls, and movie theaters, Leprechauns have no choice but to migrate, ending up in city parks, back yards, and alleyways. Where once they reigned over verdant valleys, lush glades, and sparkling creeks, now Leprechauns are forced to make do with parking lots, baseball diamonds, and culverts. But the species is proving to be surprisingly adaptable, carving out a home amongst the unused sections of the urban landscape.

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Leprechauns in the trash are becoming a headache for the residents of suburban Boston.

For the most part, Leprechauns are elusive and wary of human beings. But they have been known to be extremely aggressive when a human inadvertently wanders too close to their hidden Leprechaun gold. In addition, Leprechauns are known to carry diseases that can be passed on to both humans and animals. A group of school children, after unwisely cornering one feisty (more…)

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NOBLE PATRIOT DEFENDS WOMEN’S BATHROOM FROM TRANSEXUALS BY DRESSING UP AS WOMAN, HANGING AROUND WOMEN’S BATHROOMS

By John Peeper, Proboscis Women’s Bathroom Correspondent

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Shocked and frightened about the existential threat he didn’t know about until Fox News told him about it several weeks ago, Dixon decided to take matters into his own hands.

RALEIGH, NC—”It’s just scary,” says Cletus Dixon, as he carefully reapplies his fire-engine red lipstick, “they could be anywhere, you know?” He leans against the sink in the women’s bathroom of the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina, and purses his lips, before closing them over a piece of tissue paper. He takes a moment to admire his work, then moves on to his eyeshadow. “I mean, god. Men who want to dress up as women, it’s just so wrong. Fucking perverts.”

Dixon, a 35 year old pastor at a nearby Church, says he was inspired to take up this mission after seeing reports on Fox news about the mortal danger (more…)

OBAMA AUTHORIZES DRONE STRIKE ON DONALD TRUMP

By Wally Waggler, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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The difficult decision was made with full bipartisan support.

WASHINGTON DC—In an unprecedented move, United States president Barack Obama announced today that he has authorized the use of remotely piloted hunter-killer drones against prospective Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Said Obama in a press conference, “Yes, this is illegal, and it violates the constitution in more ways than I can even think of. However, after talking it over with my advisors and legal counsel, we decided to just go ahead with it, because fuck that guy.

“Eventually we decided, why should (more…)

CLINTON RELEASES POLICY STATEMENT IN MAD-LIB FORMAT

By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.

Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)