News

IMMIGRATION CRACKDOWN HITS TOONTOWN

By Ricky Trickle, Proboscis Toon Affairs Correspondent

TOONTOWN, CA—As Donald Trump’s new hardline immigration policies go into effect, increasingly frequent raids by Immigration Control and Enforcement have been tearing apart families and striking fear into the heart of immigrant communities. Nowhere is this more apparent than in Toontown, the close-knit Los Angeles neighborhood populated by some of the most beloved cartoon characters in America.

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I say I say I say build the wall!

Since the election, a sharp line has been drawn here, between native-born cartoons and their immigrant neighbors. “It’s terrible,” said Clarabelle cow, a longtime resident of Toontown. “It’s unamerican. These are our friends, our neighbors. They’re a part of the community. We’ve worked together for years. Our children go to the same school. And now, this! I mean, it’s like the Gestapo. For god’s sake, they came in the middle of the night and took Dora away in handcuffs!”

From the Canadian born Rocky and Bullwinkle (strangely enough, Boris and Natasha have been allowed to stay, and regularly visit Trump’s Mar a Lago resort), to the Australian Tazmanian Devil, foreign national cartoons from all over the world have been affected. Dora the Explorer, Pepe le Pew, and more have had their visas revoked and have been detained by immigration authorities, pending deportation. Marvin the Martian, having made several credible threats to destroy the earth, has been transported to an undisclosed overseas location for “questioning.”

“Oui oui, I am le French, why do you try to deport me to le Mexico?” said Pepe le Pew, another longtime legal resident who has been caught up in the ICE dragnet. “Le America, she is my home, my lover. Why do you try to take me from my lover?” Mr. Le Pew then began dry-humping the ICE agents who were arresting him.

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Speedy Gonzales’ home was vandalized, apparently with very tiny spraypaint.

Along with the immigration raids, the Trump administration’s new policies have emboldened racism and xenophobia in Toontown. A spate of vandalism and harassment has been reported throughout the neighborhood. “That pinche pendejo pussygato,” said longtime resident Speedy Gonzales, gesturing towards his vandalized home, “he painting swastikas and shit on mi casa. I mean, that pussygato, he was always an asshole, but now since we got El Presidente Naranja, all of a sudden he theenk it’s okay. He come around here again, I fuck heem up.”

Not everyone is unhappy about the change. Well known local cartoons Sylvester the Cat, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and Bluto have benefited from the government’s hiring binge. Wearing his new Immigration Control and Enforcement uniform, Southern rooster and noted racist Foghorn Leghorn commented, “I say I say I say we’re gonna make America great again, boy! We got no more need of that there political correctness, and I’m just as happy as a pig in mud. Since we got President Trump in office I say I say I ain’t gotta say ‘Cotton-pickin’ no moah, now I can just call ’em niggas again.”

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Donald Duck, well-known asshole (seen here listening to Rush Limbaugh), predictably supports Donald Trump.

Scrooge McDuck, a foreign national who donated heavily to the Trump Campaign (and coincidentally has not been targeted in recent immigration raids), thinks it’s about time. “I don’t hate all immigrants, nae,” he said, in a jolly Scottish accent, “I am one. But fer me it’s different. Because I’m white, conservative, and I have an imperial shit-ton of money. But these nae good Mexican cartoons, they’re nae sendin’ us their best, they’re sendin’ us their raepists and their marderers. We’ve got te keep those brown folk out until we figure out what’s goin’ on. In fact, me construction company is going to be building the wall.”

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TRUMP COLLAPSES AFTER PUSSY HAT GRABBING RAMPAGE

By Mano Pequeño, Proboscis Presidential Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the inauguration ceremony, more than a million Americans took to the streets of their nation’s capitol, in a women’s march to protest the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Many of the protesters out on the streets that day showed their support for women’s rights by crafting and wearing “pink pussy” hats, pink knit hats with cat ears, a clever play on words designed as a response to the new president’s propensity for nonconsensually grabbing women’s genitals.

Unfortunately for the newly inaugurated president, that sea of pink, knit, vagina symbolism was close enough to the real thing to get the Donald’s rape-motor running. That vaguely yonic headgear was to Donald J. Trump what waving a red flag is to an angry bull.

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The Donald’s propensities and poor language comprehension have already caused a few embarrassing mix-ups.

From his window in the oval office, Trump, making phone calls to his supporters, noticed the crowd of protesters outside. As he registered the thousands and thousands of pink hats, his tiny hands began to shake. His breathing became deep and fast, and sweat beaded his orange forehead. To the caller on the phone, he said, “Look Vlad, the girls are going to have to wait at the airport. Something’s come up. Yeah, tell them to to just go ahead and go. They can drink more water when they get here.”

Trump-wranglers Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon tried (more…)

MINDFUL OF RURAL WHITE SHAME, GOVERNMENT INTRODUCES “COUNTRY FOLK WELFARE”

By Gus Gargle, Proboscis Rural Affairs Correspondent

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A hard workin’ salt of the earth.

CARP HOLE, AL—Jerry Burlap was raised on good, rural American values: Hard work and clean living. He was raised to believe that a man could provide for himself and his family, no matter what. That as long as a man had a strong back, good Christian Values, and a willingness to work hard, nothing could stop him from being successful. He was raised to believe that welfare was something for the lazy, shameless poors, inner city minorities who spit out dozens of children to mooch off of government benefits, who went generations without even considering finding a job.

But times are hard in Carp Hole. When the (more…)

ELVES SEEK ASYLUM AS NORTH POLE HORROR REVEALED

By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent

THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.

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Escape is forbidden. Elf border guards have orders to shoot on sight.

“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”

According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)

PORNHUB INVESTS IN GENETIC TECHNOLOGY, BECAUSE . . . REASONS.

By Tom Turgid, Proboscis Pornographic Affairs Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet porn giant PornHub has purchased all assets, patents, and intellectual property belonging to genetic research firm InGen, according to recent SEC filings.

InGen is well-known for creating Jurassic Park, the first theme park to feature real, living dinosaurs. The company suffered a severe financial setback several years ago, when dinosaurs at its flagship park escaped containment and went on a murderous rampage. As any reasonable corporation would, the board of InGen decided to do the exact same thing again, except with a larger park and smarter, deadlier dinosaurs. InGen was shocked when the exact same thing happened, resulting in even more death and carnage than the first time. Finally, even investors who don’t have problems with tobacco companies, HMOs, or arms dealers were scared off by the body count, and pulled the plug.

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This enigmatic logo was inadvertently posted on PornHub’s Twitter account, before being quickly deleted.

That’s when PornHub, America’s largest pornographic file-sharing site, came into the picture. According to a confidential source, an offhanded comment during a night of hard drinking lead to an early-morning phone call that may well change the future of genetic research, and the future of pornography. PornHub’s Vice President of Product called his lawyer at approximately 3:45 in the morning and posed a very simple, though slurred, question.

The lawyer, awakened from a deep sleep, took (more…)

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

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Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)