Month: May 2015

EXPERTS BAFFLED AS RETAIL ROBOTS INEVITABLY BECOME DEPRESSED, HOMICIDAL

By Harold Kludge, Proboscis Robotics Correspondent

PALO ALTO, CA— It was the holy grail of robotics. Create a robot just smart enough to do manual labor and customer service, and put fifty percent of the population out of work. That dream finally became a reality with Servatron Mark 3, the worlds first general purpose customer service robot. It can talk to customers, it can sweep floors and pour coffee. Emotionless, tireless, and without the messy human needs and wants that stymied economic growth for so many years. Business owners bought them like hotcakes, dumping their antiquated meatware employees like hot potatoes. Soon there wasn’t a human employee to be found.

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“There’s no price tag, so it must be free? Oh wow, I’ve never heard that one before!”

“We’re really excited about the Servatron.” says Wal-Mart spokesman Grant Pugsmith, “Because, lets face it, retail isn’t that great a job. We’re doing these people a favor by replacing them with robots. This way, our former employees are free to pursue other opportunities and passions, like selling pencils on street corners, or perhaps prostitution. Okay, is the microphone off now? Ah, I’m just bullshitting you. We were sick and tired of maintaining even the thinnest pretense of giving a shit about those leeches. They’re always wanting time off for their father’s funeral, or special schedule requests so they can go to their chemotherapy treatment. I mean, please. Suck it up, buttercup. The problem with human beings (more…)

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GIANT MONSTER RAMPAGE IS HALTED BY LOVE, ALSO BY CRUISE MISSILE

By Matthew Corknobble, Proboscis Giant Monster Correspondent

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A giant lizard monster attacks, again. Jaded New Yorkers roll their eyes.

NEW YORK, NY— What began as a beautiful spring day in New York City quickly turned to mayhem and destruction as a giant radioactive monster waded out of the harbor and stomped its way through downtown Manhattan.

“Nobody is quite sure why giant monsters are drawn to New York,” Says city spokesperson Marjorie Flosser, “But god knows they are. We’re getting pretty sick of it.”

The monster, identified by experts as Megalo-iguana-kaiju-san, stomped down (more…)

FACEBOOK BEGINS TRACKING USER’S BOWEL MOVEMENTS

By Thomas Crapper, Proboscis Fecal Correspondent

MENLO PARK, CA— In a press conference today, Facebook, the social networking giant, announced that it has paired with all major toilet manufacturers to install wireless functionality and sensor packages in all new toilets, in order to allow Facebook to track and share all aspects of its user’s bowel movements.

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Facebook assumes this is the kind of thing you want to share with your friends, family and peers, right? Of course it is.

Says Facebook spokesman Eric Ruggle, “We felt like this was the best way for Facebook to keep its edge and stay in the forefront of creepily collecting and oversharing user’s data without their knowledge or consent. I mean, a person’s bowel movements, it doesn’t get much more private than that, right? What could possibly be more appropriate for our company to covertly collect massive amounts of data about, and then share with (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: OBAMA IS SQUIRREL CONSPIRACY ROBOT CLONE

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-In-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV- Greetings, fans of the truth. Cooter here. I’ve just returned from a pilgrimage to the foul, ulcerated heart of our so-called government, posing as a normal tourist while I witnessed the grim machinery of totalitarianism that is Washington, DC.

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“Sir, do not place your genitals on the display cases.”

Say, did you know that you’re required by “law” to wear pants inside the Library of Congress? I sure didn’t. And I didn’t see a sign posted anywhere, either. Of course they mention shirts and shoes, but in typical big government fashion, those fascist librarians are just waiting to hang you with their hidden loopholes. I mean, I tried to let them know that I was a sovereign citizen and ambassador of Mud Lake, and thereby not bound by the draconian laws of the District of Columbia and it’s territories. But do you think that pack of capitol police officers listened? Those corn-fed Nazis might have the guns and the numbers, but yours truly gave them a run for their money, I tell you what.

Having anticipated this grievous assault on (more…)

WHEN CONVENTIONAL MEDICINE FAILS, LOCAL MAN IS CURED BY PLACEBOLOGIST

By Burt Freckle, Proboscis Medical Correspondent

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Dr. Finkle uses fish therapy to calm the fluidic flow in Don’s body. “We are eighty percent water, so, if you think about it, fish therapy makes perfect sense.” The trumpet is to blow away toxins.

MUD LAKE, NV— Don Harkle had been suffering crippling headaches for months. His doctor was all out of ideas. Don had been probed, scanned, biopsied, flooded with dyes, attatched to monitors. Conventional medications had no effect. Specialists had been consulted, second opinions sought. All to no avail.

“I don’t know, the doctor said it was all in my head. I was like, yeah, it is in my head. That’s what hurts. My head hurts. He just didn’t get it though. He was tellin’ me I’m some kind of psycho, a psycho somatic or a Somalian or something. Well I think he’s a fuckin’ psycho Somalian.”

In desperation, Don’s general practitioner referred Don to a local placebology clinic. “Right away, I felt (more…)

NEW DATING APP CONNECTS CREATURES OF ELDRITCH HORROR

By Merkle Fudge, Proboscis Society Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Horrifi, the hot new dating app for foul creatures whose very existence is an insult to god, is making waves in the demon, monster, and magical creature community.

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Sha’ga Dhoul, defiler of souls, knows how hard it is to find a mate in the busy world of foul, blasphemous horror.

“It’s really great,” says Sha’ga Dhoul, a demon from the hell dimension of Krassk, “You know, it’s just so hard to meet someone who shares your interests. When you’re a working professional like me, you’re always in some other dimension, or in the far reaches of space. So it’s really great to have this app to help find someone compatible. I spend all day corrupting the souls of the innocent and defiling the pure, and I just don’t have the energy to go out to a bar at the end of the day. And how else is a hell-spawn supposed to meet someone? So, this is great. I just want to find someone to chat with, who maybe wants just to order a pizza and watch some netflix, and maybe (more…)

STONED WEREWOLF MURDERS PIZZA

By Harry Bumble, Proboscis Lycanthropy Correspondent

SANTA CRUZ, CA— After being a werewolf for most of a year, Bobby Drimble decided to try marijuana to ease the pain of his monthly transformation. “Yeah, turning into a werewolf hurts like hell. It basically breaks all your bones. But, it turns out you can get medical marijuana for lycanthropy, so I figured, hey, why not give it a try?”

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Staring at the as-seen-on-TV products, Bobby states that he totally thought of that invention years ago, but somebody else made it before he got around to it.

Immediately before transforming into a murderous supernatural creature, Bobby sat on his couch and took several bong-hits of what the pot store clerk described as “Some dank-ass shit.”

Bobby doesn’t remember anything that happens once he turns into a werewolf, but according to eyewitnesses, he transformed as usual. However, instead of running off howling into the night and committing a string of grisly murders like he normally does on nights of the full moon, Werewolf-Bobby sat quietly on the couch, eyes glazed, and watched several episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, often laughing at inappropriate times. At one point he was heard to mutter, “paws are just, like, wild hands.”

The night soon took a horrific turn as (more…)