Proboscis

THE PROBOSCIS GUIDE TO DC’S SECRET CRIMINAL FETISH RESTAURANTS

By Zip Slipper, Proboscis Restaurant Critic

WASHINGTON, DC—Everybody knows about Comet Ping-Pong Pizza. Or at least they do now. Following exposure by right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, Comet Ping-Pong’s dark secret is out of the bag: Now we know that this unassuming pizza place is really a front for a dark, sinister scheme, with a secret, hidden basement chock-full of sex trafficked children, serving the perverted desires of the liberal DC establishment.

But what many people don’t know is that Comet Ping Pong is just one in a thriving economy of secret, illegal debauchery restaurants all around the capitol, catering to every twisted whim that our nation’s corrupted power structure could possibly come up with.

“It’s definitely a growth industry,” says Cheryl Biggler, restaurant critic for Zagats. “You’d think it would have discouraged this sort of thing, when Comet Ping-Pong was exposed, but just the opposite happened. It put them on the map. Pretty soon, every restaurateur in DC was putting in a secret torture dungeon, or a kitten stomping room. Now it’s the hot new restaurant format.”

For those of you who are chomping at the bit to combine a classic dining experience with the dark, twisted underbelly of the human psyche, the Proboscis has compiled the ultimate list of DC’s secret, illegal fetish restaurants.

Comet Ping-Pong Pizza and Pedophilia

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If it wasn’t true, people couldn’t put it on the internet. Checkmate, alt-fact deniers!

The one, the only, the original. The restaurant that started off the Secret fetish dungeon restaurant craze. Patronized by such notables as Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Stop by on a Friday night, and you might see Hillary Clinton herself, enjoying an extra-large Canadian bacon pizza with Huma Abedin, while Bill sneaks off to Comet’s secret back room and sodomizes small children. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.

 


Randy Andy’s Steakhouse and Bestiality

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“Damn you, Bessie, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right now.”

At Randy Andy’s, sometimes you have the steak . . . and sometimes the steak has you. separated from their rural districts, many conservative legislators miss the simple comforts of home. That’s why, after a grueling day of stripping rights from women, immigrants, and minorities, they’ll stop by this charming rustic steakhouse to enjoy a perfectly cooked porterhouse, and then commit unlawful sexual acts upon a variety of farm animals. From roosters to Clydesdales, pitching or catching, Andy has you covered. When they say, “Fuck a duck,” they mean it.


Handsi-san Sushi, Karaoke, and Frottage

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“If you didn’t secretly like this, you wouldn’t be taking public transportation.”

We don’t know why, but it seems like Japan just has some kind of fascination with nonconsensual groping. And just like sushi, anime, and quality compact cars, this Japanese trend has invaded the US. At Handsi-san sushi you too can enjoy the debauched thrill of feeling up some stranger that don’t even wanna be felt up. In the hidden basement below this top-rated sushi bar, you’ll find a full-scale replica of a subway train, packed with real young professionals and students. Savor the lecherous thrill as you “accidentally” grind your genitals against a nun, enjoy a schoolgirl’s looks of shock and horror when you grab a handful of taut young flesh, or stare frankly at a well-dressed professional woman’s boobs for an uncomfortable length of time as she shudders in disgust and tries to gauge your capacity for physical violence.


Jim-Bob’s Hamburgers, classic arcade, and wife-beating

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“Then I says to her, Darlene, why you gotta make me beat on you? I done tol’ you to get that garage cleaned out.”

Some things, sadly, you just can’t get away with in polite DC company. That’s where Jim-Bob’s comes to the rescue. For all those displaced rural folks working in DC, here’s the place you can reconnect with your roots, and deal with your problems the way your granddaddy would have wanted you to: By blaming your wife and physically assaulting her. After enjoying our classic Bacon Cheeseburger and some skee-ball, go to Jim-Bob’s secret water tower room, where  you’ll find an exact replica of a broken down single wide trailer. There, bathed in the smell of stale cigarette smoke, moldy couch, and cat piss, you can scream at a submissive woman, blame her for your problems, and then beat her within an inch of her life, while you explain to her that it’s her fault and you only do it because you love her.


Jolene’s Casual Kitchen and Homeless Murder

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“My God, these blueberry pancakes are to die for!”

Classics never go out of style. Classics like waffles, blueberry pancakes, and strangling transients to death with your bare hands. We source only the finest free range homeless people for your murdering pleasure. Enjoy Jolene’s grand slam egg platter and a cup of gourmet coffee, then put a rain slicker on over your business suit and whistle classical music while you chase a homeless person through their parking garage with a fire ax, then chop them into little pieces and stuff the remains in a trash bag.


Ali’s Falafel, Laser-tag, and Drone Strikes

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“Get wrecked, n00b. By ‘noob’ I mean, random civilian.”

Enjoy some of the greatest middle-eastern cuisine on the east coast, while you use state of the art telepresence technology  to pilot a remote-controlled aircraft over an undisclosed country on the Arabian peninsula, then unleash hellfire missiles, machine guns, and unrelenting terror upon the civilian populace down below. Is that an insurgent headquarters or a children’s hospital? Better bomb it just to be safe. Hey, what country are you  bombing, anyway? Nah, just kidding. We don’t even give a shit.

TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

COOTER IS ABDUCTED BY THE MEN IN BLACK

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.

I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.

It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.

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My new best pal Chupey.

You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to (more…)

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m sorry to say that this is not the case. I know it will come as a shock to those who’ve come to rely on the unshakable journalistic integrity of the Proboscis, but sometimes people make things up on the internet and pass it off as real news. For profit, for political ideology, even—crazy as it seems—for the fun of it, or for an excuse to do half-assed photoshops.

As we head into a new administration, we must be wary of all information sources. We have to carefully (more…)

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)

NOBLE PATRIOT DEFENDS WOMEN’S BATHROOM FROM TRANSEXUALS BY DRESSING UP AS WOMAN, HANGING AROUND WOMEN’S BATHROOMS

By John Peeper, Proboscis Women’s Bathroom Correspondent

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Shocked and frightened about the existential threat he didn’t know about until Fox News told him about it several weeks ago, Dixon decided to take matters into his own hands.

RALEIGH, NC—”It’s just scary,” says Cletus Dixon, as he carefully reapplies his fire-engine red lipstick, “they could be anywhere, you know?” He leans against the sink in the women’s bathroom of the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina, and purses his lips, before closing them over a piece of tissue paper. He takes a moment to admire his work, then moves on to his eyeshadow. “I mean, god. Men who want to dress up as women, it’s just so wrong. Fucking perverts.”

Dixon, a 35 year old pastor at a nearby Church, says he was inspired to take up this mission after seeing reports on Fox news about the mortal danger (more…)

CLINTON RELEASES POLICY STATEMENT IN MAD-LIB FORMAT

By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.

Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)