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THE PROBOSCIS GUIDE TO DC’S SECRET CRIMINAL FETISH RESTAURANTS

By Zip Slipper, Proboscis Restaurant Critic

WASHINGTON, DC—Everybody knows about Comet Ping-Pong Pizza. Or at least they do now. Following exposure by right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, Comet Ping-Pong’s dark secret is out of the bag: Now we know that this unassuming pizza place is really a front for a dark, sinister scheme, with a secret, hidden basement chock-full of sex trafficked children, serving the perverted desires of the liberal DC establishment.

But what many people don’t know is that Comet Ping Pong is just one in a thriving economy of secret, illegal debauchery restaurants all around the capitol, catering to every twisted whim that our nation’s corrupted power structure could possibly come up with.

“It’s definitely a growth industry,” says Cheryl Biggler, restaurant critic for Zagats. “You’d think it would have discouraged this sort of thing, when Comet Ping-Pong was exposed, but just the opposite happened. It put them on the map. Pretty soon, every restaurateur in DC was putting in a secret torture dungeon, or a kitten stomping room. Now it’s the hot new restaurant format.”

For those of you who are chomping at the bit to combine a classic dining experience with the dark, twisted underbelly of the human psyche, the Proboscis has compiled the ultimate list of DC’s secret, illegal fetish restaurants.

Comet Ping-Pong Pizza and Pedophilia

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If it wasn’t true, people couldn’t put it on the internet. Checkmate, alt-fact deniers!

The one, the only, the original. The restaurant that started off the Secret fetish dungeon restaurant craze. Patronized by such notables as Hillary Clinton and John Podesta. Stop by on a Friday night, and you might see Hillary Clinton herself, enjoying an extra-large Canadian bacon pizza with Huma Abedin, while Bill sneaks off to Comet’s secret back room and sodomizes small children. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.

 


Randy Andy’s Steakhouse and Bestiality

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“Damn you, Bessie, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right now.”

At Randy Andy’s, sometimes you have the steak . . . and sometimes the steak has you. separated from their rural districts, many conservative legislators miss the simple comforts of home. That’s why, after a grueling day of stripping rights from women, immigrants, and minorities, they’ll stop by this charming rustic steakhouse to enjoy a perfectly cooked porterhouse, and then commit unlawful sexual acts upon a variety of farm animals. From roosters to Clydesdales, pitching or catching, Andy has you covered. When they say, “Fuck a duck,” they mean it.


Handsi-san Sushi, Karaoke, and Frottage

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“If you didn’t secretly like this, you wouldn’t be taking public transportation.”

We don’t know why, but it seems like Japan just has some kind of fascination with nonconsensual groping. And just like sushi, anime, and quality compact cars, this Japanese trend has invaded the US. At Handsi-san sushi you too can enjoy the debauched thrill of feeling up some stranger that don’t even wanna be felt up. In the hidden basement below this top-rated sushi bar, you’ll find a full-scale replica of a subway train, packed with real young professionals and students. Savor the lecherous thrill as you “accidentally” grind your genitals against a nun, enjoy a schoolgirl’s looks of shock and horror when you grab a handful of taut young flesh, or stare frankly at a well-dressed professional woman’s boobs for an uncomfortable length of time as she shudders in disgust and tries to gauge your capacity for physical violence.


Jim-Bob’s Hamburgers, classic arcade, and wife-beating

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“Then I says to her, Darlene, why you gotta make me beat on you? I done tol’ you to get that garage cleaned out.”

Some things, sadly, you just can’t get away with in polite DC company. That’s where Jim-Bob’s comes to the rescue. For all those displaced rural folks working in DC, here’s the place you can reconnect with your roots, and deal with your problems the way your granddaddy would have wanted you to: By blaming your wife and physically assaulting her. After enjoying our classic Bacon Cheeseburger and some skee-ball, go to Jim-Bob’s secret water tower room, where  you’ll find an exact replica of a broken down single wide trailer. There, bathed in the smell of stale cigarette smoke, moldy couch, and cat piss, you can scream at a submissive woman, blame her for your problems, and then beat her within an inch of her life, while you explain to her that it’s her fault and you only do it because you love her.


Jolene’s Casual Kitchen and Homeless Murder

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“My God, these blueberry pancakes are to die for!”

Classics never go out of style. Classics like waffles, blueberry pancakes, and strangling transients to death with your bare hands. We source only the finest free range homeless people for your murdering pleasure. Enjoy Jolene’s grand slam egg platter and a cup of gourmet coffee, then put a rain slicker on over your business suit and whistle classical music while you chase a homeless person through their parking garage with a fire ax, then chop them into little pieces and stuff the remains in a trash bag.


Ali’s Falafel, Laser-tag, and Drone Strikes

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“Get wrecked, n00b. By ‘noob’ I mean, random civilian.”

Enjoy some of the greatest middle-eastern cuisine on the east coast, while you use state of the art telepresence technology  to pilot a remote-controlled aircraft over an undisclosed country on the Arabian peninsula, then unleash hellfire missiles, machine guns, and unrelenting terror upon the civilian populace down below. Is that an insurgent headquarters or a children’s hospital? Better bomb it just to be safe. Hey, what country are you  bombing, anyway? Nah, just kidding. We don’t even give a shit.

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TRUMP VOWS TO REPEAL MAGNA CARTA

By Topper McGarble, Proboscis Washington Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, Donald Trump signed an executive order to repeal the Magna Carta, the landmark document which ended the absolute power of the English monarchy, and which provides the foundation for modern democracy and parliamentary law.

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Actual words spoken at the signing of the Magna Carta.

The document, signed by King John of England in a field at Runnymede in 1215, was part of a peace brokered between the king and a group of rebel barons. The Magna Carta was the first legal document to curtail the powers of English kings, and declared for the first time that royalty was not outside the law. While its principles strongly influenced the US Constitution and Bill of Rights, the document itself has no current legal standing. It does not apply to US law in any way, shape or form. But this didn’t stop the president from demanding it be done away with.

President Trump issued a statement today, via (more…)

TRUMP COLLAPSES AFTER PUSSY HAT GRABBING RAMPAGE

By Mano Pequeño, Proboscis Presidential Affairs Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the inauguration ceremony, more than a million Americans took to the streets of their nation’s capitol, in a women’s march to protest the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Many of the protesters out on the streets that day showed their support for women’s rights by crafting and wearing “pink pussy” hats, pink knit hats with cat ears, a clever play on words designed as a response to the new president’s propensity for nonconsensually grabbing women’s genitals.

Unfortunately for the newly inaugurated president, that sea of pink, knit, vagina symbolism was close enough to the real thing to get the Donald’s rape-motor running. That vaguely yonic headgear was to Donald J. Trump what waving a red flag is to an angry bull.

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The Donald’s propensities and poor language comprehension have already caused a few embarrassing mix-ups.

From his window in the oval office, Trump, making phone calls to his supporters, noticed the crowd of protesters outside. As he registered the thousands and thousands of pink hats, his tiny hands began to shake. His breathing became deep and fast, and sweat beaded his orange forehead. To the caller on the phone, he said, “Look Vlad, the girls are going to have to wait at the airport. Something’s come up. Yeah, tell them to to just go ahead and go. They can drink more water when they get here.”

Trump-wranglers Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon tried (more…)

MINDFUL OF RURAL WHITE SHAME, GOVERNMENT INTRODUCES “COUNTRY FOLK WELFARE”

By Gus Gargle, Proboscis Rural Affairs Correspondent

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A hard workin’ salt of the earth.

CARP HOLE, AL—Jerry Burlap was raised on good, rural American values: Hard work and clean living. He was raised to believe that a man could provide for himself and his family, no matter what. That as long as a man had a strong back, good Christian Values, and a willingness to work hard, nothing could stop him from being successful. He was raised to believe that welfare was something for the lazy, shameless poors, inner city minorities who spit out dozens of children to mooch off of government benefits, who went generations without even considering finding a job.

But times are hard in Carp Hole. When the (more…)

HEALTH CRISIS TRICKLES DOWN TO AMERICA’S VAMPIRES

By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”

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A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just (more…)

ELVES SEEK ASYLUM AS NORTH POLE HORROR REVEALED

By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent

THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.

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Escape is forbidden. Elf border guards have orders to shoot on sight.

“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”

According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)