HEALTH CRISIS TRICKLES DOWN TO AMERICA’S VAMPIRES

By Mickey Bricklestink, Proboscis Health Correspondent

MOBILE, AL—As obesity rates and associated health problems continue to skyrocket among American citizens, the ongoing health crisis has begun to affect an unexpected segment of society: Vampires. “You know what they say, you are what you eat,” says vampire Barnabas Collins, “Well, that’s just as true for vampires. We aren’t all lucky enough to live someplace where there are plenty of Whole Foods and 24 Hour Fitness centers to stalk our victims. Some of us have to make do with Walmart, McDonald’s, and Costco. And, I hate to say it, when you feed on someone with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes who just finished off a two-liter of store brand cola, you’re eating just as badly as they are. I fed on some kid the other night in the video game aisle, and I swear to God his blood tasted like Mountain Dew.”

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A modern vampire stalks his prey.

As America’s health continues to decline due to poor diet and sedentary lifestyles, vampires are feeling . . . the bite. Second hand obesity has become epidemic in some vampire populations. Says celebrity vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, “You start out going after the fat ones because it’s easy. It’s convenient. They’re everywhere, and some nights, you know, you’re just tired. You’re busy. You just don’t feel like going to all the time and effort of running down a lean, healthy meal. You just (more…)

ELVES SEEK ASYLUM AS NORTH POLE HORROR REVEALED

By Dinky Spangler, Proboscis Elf Affairs Correspondent

THE NORTH POLE—Following a daring escape through the frozen wasteland of the north, several dozen elves have requested political asylum in Canada, bringing with them concrete proof of the brutal reality of life under the Santa Claus regime.

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Escape is forbidden. Elf border guards have orders to shoot on sight.

“It’s a constant nightmare,” says Cinnamon Sparkle, one of the elf defectors. “Once you’re in Christmas Land, you belong to the Fat Man. He rules the North Pole with an iron fist. He controls your reality. There’s no news from the outside, no television, no books. Hollywood movies are banned, under penalty of death. Sure, we can burn the movies onto DVD so he can give them to the good little girls and boys, but if we watch one, he’ll feed us to the polar bears.”

According to the defectors—who have brought corroborating video evidence to UN authorities in Canada—the entire North Pole is a virtual prison. Elves work fifteen hour days, slaving in the North Pole’s toy factories, making the toys that Santa distributes to first-world children every Christmas Eve. Elves live in poverty and (more…)

PORNHUB INVESTS IN GENETIC TECHNOLOGY, BECAUSE . . . REASONS.

By Tom Turgid, Proboscis Pornographic Affairs Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet porn giant PornHub has purchased all assets, patents, and intellectual property belonging to genetic research firm InGen, according to recent SEC filings.

InGen is well-known for creating Jurassic Park, the first theme park to feature real, living dinosaurs. The company suffered a severe financial setback several years ago, when dinosaurs at its flagship park escaped containment and went on a murderous rampage. As any reasonable corporation would, the board of InGen decided to do the exact same thing again, except with a larger park and smarter, deadlier dinosaurs. InGen was shocked when the exact same thing happened, resulting in even more death and carnage than the first time. Finally, even investors who don’t have problems with tobacco companies, HMOs, or arms dealers were scared off by the body count, and pulled the plug.

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This enigmatic logo was inadvertently posted on PornHub’s Twitter account, before being quickly deleted.

That’s when PornHub, America’s largest pornographic file-sharing site, came into the picture. According to a confidential source, an offhanded comment during a night of hard drinking lead to an early-morning phone call that may well change the future of genetic research, and the future of pornography. PornHub’s Vice President of Product called his lawyer at approximately 3:45 in the morning and posed a very simple, though slurred, question.

The lawyer, awakened from a deep sleep, took (more…)

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)

COOTER RETURNS TO DISCOVER AN AMERICA MADE GREAT AGAIN

By Cooter Jackson, Editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.

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Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.

You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)

IF NOT ELECTED, HILLARY THREATENS TO DETONATE DONALD TRUMP

By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.

clintonbombHillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: WIFI SIGNALS TURN ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO DOUCHECANOES WHILE ONLINE

By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent

LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)

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Computer simulation of Wifi Turdbaggification Syndrome (WTF)

“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”

The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.

The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of (more…)