By Tom Turgid, Proboscis Pornographic Affairs Correspondent
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet porn giant PornHub has purchased all assets, patents, and intellectual property belonging to genetic research firm InGen, according to recent SEC filings.
InGen is well-known for creating Jurassic Park, the first theme park to feature real, living dinosaurs. The company suffered a severe financial setback several years ago, when dinosaurs at its flagship park escaped containment and went on a murderous rampage. As any reasonable corporation would, the board of InGen decided to do the exact same thing again, except with a larger park and smarter, deadlier dinosaurs. InGen was shocked when the exact same thing happened, resulting in even more death and carnage than the first time. Finally, even investors who don’t have problems with tobacco companies, HMOs, or arms dealers were scared off by the body count, and pulled the plug.
This enigmatic logo was inadvertently posted on PornHub’s Twitter account, before being quickly deleted.
That’s when PornHub, America’s largest pornographic file-sharing site, came into the picture. According to a confidential source, an offhanded comment during a night of hard drinking lead to an early-morning phone call that may well change the future of genetic research, and the future of pornography. PornHub’s Vice President of Product called his lawyer at approximately 3:45 in the morning and posed a very simple, though slurred, question.
The lawyer, awakened from a deep sleep, took a moment to process the question. He sighed deeply, the sigh of a man who is questioning all of the life choices that led him to the present moment. He responded with one profound sentence: “No sir, to the best of my knowledge, there is no law against fucking dinosaurs.”
Just weeks later, the buyout was complete. PornHub is now in possession of the tropical island of Isla Nublar, complete with its genetic engineering lab, dinosaur paddocks, and a destroyed theme park.
Officials at PornHub remain tight-lipped about what exactly their plans are, but suggestive copyright filings include the movie titles: “Debbie does Dilophosaurus,” “Craving Cloaca,” “Scaly Green Teen Sex Machine,” “Big Black Brontosaurus,” “Jurassic Pork,” “Finger Blast from the Past,” and “Finger Blast from the Past 2: Fist Me in Pre-History.”
Simultaneously the best argument for and against genetic engineering.
Critics have argued that Dinosaurs, being closely related to birds, don’t even have the traditional sex organs that connoisseurs look for in a smut film. Not to worry, says a PornHub geneticist, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We simply took genetic samples from the most impressive dongs and vajays found in nature, then inserted them into dino DNA. We tried this approach before, back when I worked for InGen, and believe me, nothing else could go wrong. We’ve definitely got it under control this time.” Chaostician Ian Malcom, a survivor of the first Jurassic Park disaster, disagrees. “Cock, ah, finds a way,” he says. “You scientists were so busy worrying about whether you could put a giant schlong on a dinosaur, you never stopped to ask if you should.”
Nevertheless, top industry talent has been flocking to the project, attracted by the publicity, the novelty, and the hazard pay. Says porn legend Ron Jeremy, “I’ve basically had sex with everything on the planet. And I literally mean everything. Go home today and look at your couch. I fucked it. Not just a couch, but your couch, specifically. Every couch. Trees, birds, hurricanes, the ocean, I’ve fucked it all. I didn’t think there were any more mountains left to climb and then fuck. I thought I’d just have to go home, like Frodo goes back to the Shire after throwing the One Ring into Mount Doom. Except in my case it was a cock ring, and Mount Doom was … well, you know. But now, man, wow. A dinosaur. That’s like walking on the moon. And fucking it.”
“Why yes, I ordered a pizza with extra scaly green sausage. But I don’t have any money. Is there some other way I can pay?”
Veteran adult performer Jenna Jameson has come out of retirement, lured by the new challenge. “After a few years in this industry,” she says, “there’s just no more room for … personal growth, you know? Once you’ve accommodated a few hundred top male performers, there’s nowhere left to go. You aren’t stretching your skill set anymore. You just start to feel so hollow. It gets … really hard to fill that emptiness inside of you. These days it takes a parking lot bollard to make me feel anything at all. But a dinosaur schvantz, that changes everything.” Jenna smiles knowingly as she hums the melody to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”
Sources say that PornHub Jurassic, an entirely new genre of adult entertainment, should be rolling out in the next few months, barring any completely unforeseen and unpredictable consequences of human beings trying to achieve physical intimacy with genetically-altered, house-sized carnivores.
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