HABITAT DESTRUCTION DRIVES LEPRECHAUNS INTO URBAN AREAS

BOSTON, MA—After years of unchecked logging and urban development steadily destroying the habitat of the Leprechaun, the elusive mythical species has been forced closer and closer to urban areas to find food, shelter, and places to hide their magical gold.

As the forests that the tiny creatures called home are turned into sprawling suburbs, shopping malls, and movie theaters, Leprechauns have no choice but to migrate, ending up in city parks, back yards, and alleyways. Where once they reigned over verdant valleys, lush glades, and sparkling creeks, now Leprechauns are forced to make do with parking lots, baseball diamonds, and culverts. But the species is proving to be surprisingly adaptable, carving out a home amongst the unused sections of the urban landscape.

Leprechauns in the trash are becoming a headache for the residents of suburban Boston.

For the most part, Leprechauns are elusive and wary of human beings. But they have been known to be extremely aggressive when a human inadvertently wanders too close to their hidden Leprechaun gold. In addition, Leprechauns are known to carry diseases that can be passed on to both humans and animals. A group of school children, after unwisely cornering one feisty

TRAGEDY AT SEA: WHALER ATTEMPTS TO HARPOON ALMIGHTY CTHULHU

By Gus Hornblower, Proboscis Maritime Affairs Correspondent

This picture was taken from the deck of the Greenpeace vessel ‘Unicorn’s Revenge’, whose crew enjoyed a moment of smug triumph before they too were sunk by Cthulhu.

SOUTHERN ATLANTIC OCEAN— What began as a normal day of slaughtering peaceful endangered marine mammals ended as a nightmare for the crew of the Japanese whaling vessel Edamame Maru, after the sailors unwittingly attempted to harpoon Almighty Cthulhu.

Speaking through an interpreter, surviving first mate Jiro Matamune says, “We saw this thing floating in the water, sort of like an octopus, but the size of a small island. We weren’t sure what it was. Nobody had seen anything like it. But we decided we had to murder it. I mean, just imagine. What if it was the only one of its kind? To cause extinction of an entire species with just one harpoon, that is every whaler’s dream. Besides

HALLMARK INTRODUCES NEW MOTHER’S DAY CARDS TO HONOR PARASITE HOSTS

By Walter Schwoom, Proboscis parasite affairs correspondent

KANSAS CITY, MO— Hallmark, longtime leader in the greeting card industry, has again broken new ground by introducing their new “Other Mother” line of greeting cards, in order to honor parasite hosts this mother’s day.

Hallmark corporation supports non-traditional families.

“Everybody has a mother.” Says Hallmark spokeswoman Diane Fluff, “But it’s important to remember that some… things… have two. There is of course the biological mother who implanted your egg or larvae or what have you, but we often forget about the host, the unwilling victim who carries the child to term, usually suffering a horrible, agonizing death in the process. We here at Hallmark thought

WE MUST PROTECT OUR SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MONGOLIAN DEATH-WORMS

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV— Cooter here. Greetings, friends. It’s been a while. Well, ol’ Cooter was going to blow all your minds with a piece of investigative journalism about the ghosts inside the haunted women’s locker room of the Mud Lake Junior College, but somebody found the hidden cameras, and there was a bit of a misunderstanding. But it’s okay. Yours truly just made bail, and I’m going to fight this slander all the way to the supreme court.

But that’s not important right now, because I’ve got something very important to talk to you all about. I need to warn you about an invasion taking place under our very noses, threatening to undermine the very

LOCAL MAN BELIEVES REALITY IS A CRUDELY EXECUTED IMAGE COMPOSITE

By Ernie Drickle, Proboscis society correspondent

Says Merman, “Sweet Jesus, I mean, just look at my legs. That’s not normal.”

MUD LAKE, NV— According to local man Derrick Merman, our reality is nothing more than a crudely executed image composite, created on some cosmic computer, artlessly cut and pasted together by unseen forces.

“Everybody says I’m crazy,” says Derrick,” but I know I’m not. Believe me, once you start to see it, you can’t stop. It’s everywhere.”

Derrick says his revelation began one day when he noticed a thin, pixelated halo surrounding a man walking down the street. “It wasn’t like a glow, just like a blank space. The closer I looked the more it seemed like somebody had just copied him from another scene and pasted him there. But they just did a half-assed job of it. The

STATE PARK HORROR AS JACKALOPE SLAUGHTERS HIKERS

By Billy Beamer, Proboscis Nature Correspondent

A rare photograph of the Jackalope, nature’s perfect killing machine.

NAVAJO LAKE STATE PARK, NM— What started out as a fun weekend hike for members of Boy Scout Troop 765 ended in horror and tragedy, after the hikers ran afoul of the mythical Jackalope. The creature, though commonly regarded as fiction, proved murderously real when it attacked the scouts without warning or mercy, leaving six dead and five more wounded.

“These things are insanely vicious. You have no idea.” says park ranger Stacey Ellison, “We tell the campers, if you see one of these things, don’t make any sudden movements, and whatever you do, don’t look it in the eye. And don’t run, because