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IF NOT ELECTED, HILLARY THREATENS TO DETONATE DONALD TRUMP

By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.

clintonbombHillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to (more…)

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OBAMA AUTHORIZES DRONE STRIKE ON DONALD TRUMP

By Wally Waggler, Proboscis Political Correspondent

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The difficult decision was made with full bipartisan support.

WASHINGTON DC—In an unprecedented move, United States president Barack Obama announced today that he has authorized the use of remotely piloted hunter-killer drones against prospective Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Said Obama in a press conference, “Yes, this is illegal, and it violates the constitution in more ways than I can even think of. However, after talking it over with my advisors and legal counsel, we decided to just go ahead with it, because fuck that guy.

“Eventually we decided, why should (more…)

CLINTON RELEASES POLICY STATEMENT IN MAD-LIB FORMAT

By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.

Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)

IN LIGHT OF U.S. ELECTION, ALIEN ANTHROPOLOGISTS DOWNGRADE HUMAN RACE TO ‘SEMI-SENTIENT’

By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent

HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.

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Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.

“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”

The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)

JABBA THE HUTT EMERGES AS FRONTRUNNER IN GALACTIC PRESIDENTIAL RACE; SENTIENT BEINGS DUMBFOUNDED

By Max Rebo, Proboscis Galactic Affairs Correspondent

CORUSCANT, CORUSCANT SYSTEM—What started out as a bad joke is quickly turning into a nightmare for rational, sentient beings of the galaxy, as the brutal criminal warlord Jabba The Hutt is well on his way to securing a galactic presidential nomination.

Jabba the Hutt, longtime godfather of the Hutt crime syndicate based on the desert planet of Tatooine, was long thought to have died during the destruction of his sail barge by rebel forces. But the gangster recently reappeared on the intergalactic scene, this time as a presidental candidate.

“Fuck everything,” says Leia Organa, former leader of (more…)

MUTANT SEWER-DWELLERS DISPLACED BY SKYROCKETING RENTS

By Norton BelGrande, Proboscis sewer correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Sharkface Jim, the loveable, horribly mutated freak living in the gold-rush era tunnels and sewers under San Francisco, is moving on after fifty years in his beloved city. After years of hyperbolic rent increases fueled by gentrification, the tech boom, and poor urban planning, he’s finally being squeezed out.

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Sharkface Jim, another victim of unchecked gentrification.

“This filthy pool of human waste is my home, you know?” says Jim, “But I just can’t afford it. This was always my city. I’ve been here since the sixties. I partied with the Grateful Dead. But the rents, man, they’re crazy. Ever since google moved in, and the rest of the tech companies, you just can’t find a place. I mean, I used to stay here for free,” says Jim, gesturing towards the filthy, reeking urban cave he used to call home, “but my landlord jacked the rent up to three thousand a month. For a sewer. An actual sewer. Some tech kid (more…)

DEAR GAYS: STOP BEING SO DAMNED WHOLESOME. LOVE, SATAN

SATANSatan’s Soapbox

By Satan, Proboscis Guest Columnist

Satan here. As you all know, people have associated me with homosexuality since the beginning of time. But surprisingly enough, I’ve only recently become aware of this whole “homosexual agenda” thing, and I think it’s high time I put a stop to this nonsense.

I mean, really. Love? Marriage? Holy matrimony? Monogamy? Major celebrities out and proud? Legal protection at the federal level? I see what you’re up to, and this just needs to stop.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the gays. But I think you’re all forgetting (more…)