government

Trump wins debate by fatality

By Reba Colander, Proboscis Political Correspondent

wedgie

Trump set the tone for the debate early on, giving Jeb Bush an “atomic wedgie.”

GREENVILLE, SC—After months of bitter debate, divisive campaigning, accusations, and name-calling that would embarrass elementary school children, the most recent Republican debate took a turn for the gruesome, leaving Donald Trump the Republican candidate by default after the aging tycoon brutally murdered his primary opponents.

The debate started like any other. The candidates filed onto stage, smiling and waving amongst scattered applause and boos. The moderator began with (more…)

A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO THE AMERICAN CAUCUS SYSTEM

By Cooter Jackson, Editor In Chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Well, it’s election time, and ol’ Cooter here is happier than a tornado in a trailer park. Once every four years, we the American people are treated to this fine spectacle, a veritable three-ring circus of bloated egos, outlandish promises, and shameless approval-seeking that would make a high school prom queen blush.

Rushmore 2

George Washington, father of our country, famously said of the caucus system, “Seriously you guys, this is the best you could come up with?”

We’ve just now dipped a toe into the primary season, where each of our political parties decides who their candidate will be for the general election. This often happens by way of a process known as a caucus. As you know, I am something of a political expert, but even I get confused by the caucus system. What you have to realize is that it’s all based on time-honored traditions, developed by the infallible wisdom of people who lived a long time ago, back in the times when bloodletting was state-of-the-art medical technology, and dentistry involved a stout piece of oak and a pair of pliers.

Once you get a handle on it, the caucus system makes just as much sense as, lets say, American units of measurement. It’s simple enough: an inch, itself a totally arbitrary measure, is divided into sixteenths, eighths, quarters, and halves. Twelve inches is a foot. Three feet is a yard, 5,280 feet is a mile. Makes perfect sense! Much more (more…)

CLINTON CAMPAIGN IN TROUBLE AS SUPPORT WANES FROM LIZARD-PERSON BASE

By Gus Gipper, Proboscis Political Correspondent

hillizardy

Hillary Clinton removes her human mask at a recent Lizard-People campaign event.

NEW YORK, NY—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is scrambling, as her polling numbers tumble among trans-dimensional lizard-people.

Clinton, herself being a cold-blooded reptilian overlord surgically implanted into a human-clone body and sent through trans-dimensional space to pave the way for colonization and enslavement of the earth, has long been a favorite among her fellow trans-dimensional lizard people, and was considered a shoo-in for the democratic nomination. But 2016 is shaping up to be a very different campaign season, as the beleaguered politician loses support from even (more…)

LOVE, LOSS, AND COOTER’S TRIUMPHANT RETURN

By Cooter Jackson, editor-in-chief

MUD LAKE, NV–Greetings, dear readers. First of all, I have to apologize for my extended absence from the world of hard-hitting journalism. You see, old Cooter’s been going through some life changes. It all started about six months ago. I knew change was on the wind. I felt it in my bones, a restlessness, a vague longing that kept me awake at night. I knew that soon, I would be cast upon fate’s ocean like a wind-blown leaf, sent like some biblical prophet to wander the trackless wastes of the earth in search of a greater truth.

senatedoor

While I sent three thousand horse dildos to various government officials, only twenty five hundred were turned in to the Capitol Police.

That, and some hybrid mutant alien clones disguised as federal agents confiscated my hard drive and served me with a bench warrant. I swear to god, the fascists that run this country. If hosting torrents for thirty seven hundred terabytes of hard-core pornography is illegal, then I guess I’m a criminal. If using Dick Cheney’s credit card and social security number to purchase three thousand latex horse dildos and having them shipped to every member of congress is against the law, you’d better slap the cuffs on me.

In any case, I thought it was a good (more…)

BREAKING NEWS: OBAMA IS SQUIRREL CONSPIRACY ROBOT CLONE

By Cooter Jackson, Editor-In-Chief

MUD LAKE, NV- Greetings, fans of the truth. Cooter here. I’ve just returned from a pilgrimage to the foul, ulcerated heart of our so-called government, posing as a normal tourist while I witnessed the grim machinery of totalitarianism that is Washington, DC.

librarycops

“Sir, do not place your genitals on the display cases.”

Say, did you know that you’re required by “law” to wear pants inside the Library of Congress? I sure didn’t. And I didn’t see a sign posted anywhere, either. Of course they mention shirts and shoes, but in typical big government fashion, those fascist librarians are just waiting to hang you with their hidden loopholes. I mean, I tried to let them know that I was a sovereign citizen and ambassador of Mud Lake, and thereby not bound by the draconian laws of the District of Columbia and it’s territories. But do you think that pack of capitol police officers listened? Those corn-fed Nazis might have the guns and the numbers, but yours truly gave them a run for their money, I tell you what.

Having anticipated this grievous assault on (more…)