MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.
As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.
Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.
You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)
By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent
WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.
Hillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to (more…)
By Guy Flountley, Proboscis Political Correspondent
NEW YORK, NY—Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign has announced today that rather than going to the trouble of making vague, generalized statements or changing their candidate’s position every time some focus group finds something that people seem to enjoy, Hillary will simply be releasing all further policy statements in Mad-Lib format.
Mad-Libs, the popular word game where players fill in the blanks on pre-printed paragraphs for humorous effect, has been popular for many years. But this is the first (more…)
By Zap Waggler, Proboscis interplanetary correspondent
HIGH EARTH ORBIT, EARTH—After struggling for millennia to rise out of the evolutionary soup and take its rightful place as the most advanced species on the planet earth, the human race has been dealt a stunning blow this week, as the alien anthropologists secretly studying us have downgraded the human race from ‘sentient’ to ‘semi-sentient’.
Selection of leadership based on largest plumage and loudest threat display is diagnostic of semi-sentience.
“The human race is remarkably resilient and adaptable,” says Zax Chabazz, a Betelgeusian cultural anthropologist, “and at times is capable of brilliance. This species has colonized every corner of its habitat, developed advanced societies, split the atom, even reached space. And yet, recently we’ve seen troubling signs of de-evolution. After paying close attention to the leadership selection process of the nation-state known as America, we have no choice but to downgrade humanity from full sentience.”
The alien scientists use a complex rubric to determine where a species falls on (more…)
By Max Rebo, Proboscis Galactic Affairs Correspondent
CORUSCANT, CORUSCANT SYSTEM—What started out as a bad joke is quickly turning into a nightmare for rational, sentient beings of the galaxy, as the brutal criminal warlord Jabba The Hutt is well on his way to securing a galactic presidential nomination.
Jabba the Hutt, longtime godfather of the Hutt crime syndicate based on the desert planet of Tatooine, was long thought to have died during the destruction of his sail barge by rebel forces. But the gangster recently reappeared on the intergalactic scene, this time as a presidental candidate.
“Fuck everything,” says Leia Organa, former leader of (more…)
By Reba Colander, Proboscis Political Correspondent
Trump set the tone for the debate early on, giving Jeb Bush an “atomic wedgie.”
GREENVILLE, SC—After months of bitter debate, divisive campaigning, accusations, and name-calling that would embarrass elementary school children, the most recent Republican debate took a turn for the gruesome, leaving Donald Trump the Republican candidate by default after the aging tycoon brutally murdered his primary opponents.
The debate started like any other. The candidates filed onto stage, smiling and waving amongst scattered applause and boos. The moderator began with (more…)
Hillary Clinton removes her human mask at a recent Lizard-People campaign event.
NEW YORK, NY—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is scrambling, as her polling numbers tumble among trans-dimensional lizard-people.
Clinton, herself being a cold-blooded reptilian overlord surgically implanted into a human-clone body and sent through trans-dimensional space to pave the way for colonization and enslavement of the earth, has long been a favorite among her fellow trans-dimensional lizard people, and was considered a shoo-in for the democratic nomination. But 2016 is shaping up to be a very different campaign season, as the beleaguered politician loses support from even (more…)