MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings, friends. Cooter here. It’s been a while. I suppose you’ve all been wondering where your favorite desert-hermit investigative journalist got off to in the last few months, during the most contentious and bizarre presidential election of modern times. Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.
As I’m sure my readers know, I’ve long possessed incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton is the secret leader of the trans-dimensional Lizard People, who are working tirelessly to subvert and control our government and our very civilization. For a while there during the campaign season, it looked like she was going to win. This obviously filled me with terror and unspeakable dread.
Hillary’s America. Trust me, I’m a journalist.
You see, Lizard People don’t take kindly to being exposed by hard-hitting investigative journalism. As soon as those scaly bastards take power, Cooter P. Jackson is going to be one of the first warm-blooded meatbags to be kidnapped away in the dead of night and tortured for weeks, before having my thought waves extracted out of my skull by some kind of giant ice-cream scooper apparatus, after which they’ll (more…)
Hillary Clinton removes her human mask at a recent Lizard-People campaign event.
NEW YORK, NY—Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is scrambling, as her polling numbers tumble among trans-dimensional lizard-people.
Clinton, herself being a cold-blooded reptilian overlord surgically implanted into a human-clone body and sent through trans-dimensional space to pave the way for colonization and enslavement of the earth, has long been a favorite among her fellow trans-dimensional lizard people, and was considered a shoo-in for the democratic nomination. But 2016 is shaping up to be a very different campaign season, as the beleaguered politician loses support from even (more…)
MUD LAKE, NV–Greetings, dear readers. First of all, I have to apologize for my extended absence from the world of hard-hitting journalism. You see, old Cooter’s been going through some life changes. It all started about six months ago. I knew change was on the wind. I felt it in my bones, a restlessness, a vague longing that kept me awake at night. I knew that soon, I would be cast upon fate’s ocean like a wind-blown leaf, sent like some biblical prophet to wander the trackless wastes of the earth in search of a greater truth.
While I sent three thousand horse dildos to various government officials, only twenty five hundred were turned in to the Capitol Police.
That, and some hybrid mutant alien clones disguised as federal agents confiscated my hard drive and served me with a bench warrant. I swear to god, the fascists that run this country. If hosting torrents for thirty seven hundred terabytes of hard-core pornography is illegal, then I guess I’m a criminal. If using Dick Cheney’s credit card and social security number to purchase three thousand latex horse dildos and having them shipped to every member of congress is against the law, you’d better slap the cuffs on me.
MUD LAKE, NV- Greetings, fans of the truth. Cooter here. I’ve just returned from a pilgrimage to the foul, ulcerated heart of our so-called government, posing as a normal tourist while I witnessed the grim machinery of totalitarianism that is Washington, DC.
“Sir, do not place your genitals on the display cases.”
Say, did you know that you’re required by “law” to wear pants inside the Library of Congress? I sure didn’t. And I didn’t see a sign posted anywhere, either. Of course they mention shirts and shoes, but in typical big government fashion, those fascist librarians are just waiting to hang you with their hidden loopholes. I mean, I tried to let them know that I was a sovereign citizen and ambassador of Mud Lake, and thereby not bound by the draconian laws of the District of Columbia and it’s territories. But do you think that pack of capitol police officers listened? Those corn-fed Nazis might have the guns and the numbers, but yours truly gave them a run for their money, I tell you what.
Having anticipated this grievous assault on (more…)