apocalypse

CITIZENS REMAIN STRANGELY OPTIMISTIC IN THE FACE OF CONFIRMED APOCALYPSE

By Kurt Kipple, Proboscis Religious Affairs Correspondent

LEDBETTER, SC— “It’s not like it’s raining blood or anything,” says suburban mom Lena Burgle, as she drops her kids off for soccer practice at the local park. “It’s really more drizzling blood. Yeah, it’s a mess,” Lena looks down at her blood streaked blouse, “but the trick is to get it in the washing machine before the stains set. It’s not the end of the world. I mean, it is the end of the world, but . . . oh, you know what I mean.” she laughs and makes a what are you going to do gesture.

For the past several weeks, citizens of earth have been overwhelmingly not coming to grips with the clear, unmistakable, and  nonnegotiable signs and portents which indicate that the world as we know it will soon come to an end, as the (more…)

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COFFEE SHORTAGE PLUNGES WORLD INTO APOCALYPCTIC NIGHTMARE

By Larry Underhill, Proboscis Apocalypse Correspondent

THE WASTELANDS— Such a slender thread, from which our civilization hung. What fools we were. Our society, all our great works, all of it rested on one finite resource. That oily, black liquid was the fuel that powered industry, science and business. Without it, modern workers couldn’t so much as get to work on time and get anything done. The doomsayers warned us, but we didn’t listen. We didn’t listen until it was too late.

Then the coffee ran out, and (more…)