By Morton Chumble, Proboscis Elections Correspondent
WASHINGTON, DC—Hillary Clinton, presumptive democratic nominee and noted supervillain, has put a horrifying, yet effective, failsafe system in place, making her virtually invulnerable.
Hillary recently appeared on the floor of congress wearing a suicide vest laced with more than two hundred pounds of pure weapons grade Donald Trump. Clutching the deadman’s switch in her right hand, she gleefully cackled, “None of you assholes can touch me! If you try to indict, if you try to push another nominee, if you go third party, if you even so much as think about not voting for me, then I let go of this switch. And you know what happens then? This vest detonates, see? Then radioactive chunks of flaming Trump are going to get strewn around this place like fake blood at a GWAR concert. You cross me, and you’re going to be knee deep in this loathsome, intolerable shit for four years, if not eight! You’ll never get the smell of rancid, festering narcissism out of the white house. If I go down, I take all you bastards down with me!”
“Jesus, she’s serious! Just do what she says!” said Senate democrat Elizabeth Warren, while Hillary pointed a double barrelled Mike Pence at her skull. “She’s crazy! She’ll do it!” Warren broke into tears and cried, “I’ll endorse you! We’ll all endorse you! Just don’t hurt anyone else!”
From his campaign headquarters, Democratic primary Candidate Bernie Sanders expressed a similar sentiment. “I tried my best,” he said, “But it’s like trying to arm wrestle somebody who’s willing to win by stabbing you in the face with a broken beer bottle. She’s got nothing to lose, and she has three hundred million hostages. She’s willing to use weapons-grade Trump on civilians if she doesn’t get her way, and she has the means to do it. That is why I’m endorsing Hillary for President.” Sanders then took a long swig from a bottle of whisky.
Experts predict that, given the size of the Trump payload contained within Clinton’s suicide vest, all of the DC metro area would be contaminated, making it virtually uninhabitable for years to come. “It would be an unprecedented disaster,” says leading Trumpologist Dan Dibble, “The blast would throw flaming, radioactive, weapons-grade Trump for miles. At the very least we could expect a gold-plated white house. And once the Trump gets into the wind and is inhaled, it absorbs into the lungs and goes straight to the brain stem. The effects are horrifying. If Trump reached the supreme court, we might never recover. The best we could hope for is to quarantine DC as some sort of post-apocalyptic plague zone, populated only by angry, irrational zombies.”
Capitol police, decked out in tactical gear, were forced to back down. “I don’t like it any more than you do,” said police chief Robert Bork, “but she’s got us backed into a corner. She’s like a trapped animal. If we so much as twitch, she hits that detonator, and then, God, I hate to even think about what happens next. Our police are standing down. The president has ordered the FBI to lay down their indictments and disengage. Democrats have agreed to accede to her demands, and are turning over their endorsements and convention delegates as we speak. As instructed, we’re providing her a helicopter and a pilot, and we won’t interfere with her escape.”
From the oval office, President Obama has released the following statement: “My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that the terrorists have won. We should have seen it coming. We should have acted sooner. But we did not. And now it’s too late. If Hillary Clinton is not elected, she has the means to take us all down with her. And believe me when I say, she’ll do it. She’d cut a fool for looking at her sideways. We must, for the sake of our very survival, bow to the will of this madwoman. She’s willing to make this entire country uninhabitable if she doesn’t get her way, and she has the means to carry out her threat. We must agree to her demands. While it hurts me, it hurts all of us to our very cores, the consequences of doing otherwise are too terrible to contemplate. That is why I, Barack Hussein Obama, am endorsing Hillary Clinton to be the next president of the United States of America. May God have mercy on us all.”