By Barney Lethchet, Proboscis Technology Correspondent
LOS ANGELES, CA—The ubiquitous wifi signals flooding homes and businesses worldwide are responsible for turning average people into aggressive, self-righteous asshats once they go online, according to a study published today by the Union of Independent Scientists For Understanding the Health Consequences of Technology (UISFUHCT)
“It is really quite perplexing,” said UISFUHCT spokesman Blake McGowan. “It turns out these signals, which we previously thought harmless, are actually penetrating people’s skulls and disrupting their brain waves, triggering massive levels of unjustified self-confidence, contempt for disagreement, narcissism, sociopathy, as well as a juvenile sense of humor.”
The result is ordinary people becoming intolerable, loathsome shartbags the minute they hit the Internet.
The current presidential campaign demonstrates the phenomenon clearly. The Proboscis sifted through hundreds of Facebook posts related to the election, and the results are eye opening. “If you don’t plan to write in Sanders, I hope you die horribly in a fire, after you watch everyone you love die horribly in the same fire. But I hope you don’t die right away, and that before you die from the horrible burns from the fire, you get cancer,” posted Facebook user Nora Filbert, a second-grade teacher. Her lifelong friend responded, “I’m voting Trump, and I’m going to feed your dog chocolate and broken glass and laugh while it dies, and then I’m going to run it over with my truck, you commie fuckhead. And then I’ll beat you to death with your own dead dog.”
McGowan was quick to point out that these results weren’t limited to those people following the presidential race. “In fact,” he says, “according to our data, logging on to facebook lowered test subject’s IQs by a full fifty points, right across the board. And their emotional maturity drops to approximately that of a nine year old. It’s really sad to see an otherwise intelligent, emotionally healthy person suddenly think it’s a great idea to post vitriolic political memes and air their relationship issues on a public forum.”
A first person account of this frightening phenomenon comes from George Gamette, a self-described internet activist, who spoke to the Proboscis about a recent political disagreement with his landlord, Amrit Singh.
“I was talking to Amrit in the hall one day, and he mentioned he was a strong Trump supporter,” Gamette said. “We actually had a really great, respectful political conversation, both of us ultimately agreeing that it was great living in a democracy where we could disagree with each other and still remain friends. And then later on, I sat down at my computer…and it just happened. Suddenly I posted an angry rant on facebook along with a bunch of poorly made anti-Islamic memes. He’s Sikh though. And I know this. What the hell is wrong with me?” Gamette then admitted to starting an online petition to have Singh’s business license pulled, and then emailing the FBI’s terrorist tip line about his landlord.
The petition against Amrit Singh gathered over 650,000 digital signatures within three days, mostly through the forum website Reddit. Though Singh was only an employee of a property management firm and did not actually have a business license, he was fired because of the negative attention the firm was getting. Later that week, an FBI swat team raided his house.
Said Singh, when interviewed in person, “I’m sure this was all just a misunderstanding. George is a great guy, and I’ve got nothing against him.” However, later that evening, under the influence of Wifi, Singh wrote on his blog, “Once Trump is in charge we’re going to have a gorilla rape that liberal faget to death.”
Kevin Duncan, a high school junior, says online asswaddery is even more rampant on YouTube, where anonymity drops the stakes considerably for brain-warped Internet users.
Duncan, a classically trained pianist, recently posted a video of his award-winning piano recital, where he performed Chopin’s Nocturne in E flat minor. Despite critical acclaim and an offer of a full-ride scholarship to Juliard, YouTube comments were scathing. User novavac118 commented, “your Chopin sounds like Mozart taking a shit on Beethoven’s head. What a looser [sic]. U play piano like you want to play with dicks. Kill urself. U suk faget.”
“I’m pretty sure novavac118 is a kid in my AP Calculus class,” Duncan said. “He’s always been really nice. He’s a valedictorian. I don’t even know, man. YouTube is just a bunch of strangers spewing hate like psychotic mental patients. It’s kind of like learning to drive in LA.”
More evidence of unmitigated online fuckstickery was brought to our attention by Jerry Hall, lead engineer at NASA. Hall is tasked with administrating an online vote to name the newest Mars rover.
“It’s like dealing with drunk second graders,” he said. “At least if the vote were only open to the scientific community it might be taken seriously, but with the general public … it’s just embarrassing.”
The top three entries for the $3 billion rover’s name are Boba Fatty, Fart Gargler, and Give Hitler Another Chance. The median age of voters in the poll is 43.
“Boba Fatty is hanging on by a thin margin because everyone in this building voted to push it ahead of Fart Gargler. But if there’s another post about it on 4chan, I don’t know what will happen,” Hall said.
In another frightening twist to the study, the study concludes that the same phenomenon applies to people exposed to Bluetooth frequencies, which, according to McGowan, “Certainly explains the douchenozzles who wear their bluetooth earbuds all the time, and also basically all the little shitstains on Xbox Live.”
As for preventing the phenomenon, UISFUHCT is in the dark. “First, maybe try not being a godawful shithead cuck loser,” McGowan said, while surfing the internet on a Wifi-enabled mobile device.