By Brett Burgle, Proboscis Elections Correspondent
BARSTOW, CA—The Democratic and Republican primaries all but over, voters are faced with the stark choice between a bloated, bloviating, racist man-child and a cackling Machiavellian crime lord. But a surprise contender has entered the race, and is gaining followers as a preferable option to either Clinton or Trump.
That candidate is Rancid Dumpster. A rusted, battered steel container standing five feet tall, it’s bottom caked in a four-inch deep layer of garbage, old food, dead rats and hobo vomit, packed down by years of daily use, baked in the hot sun to form a pungent crust. Its wheel bearings are rusted solid, and it’s hard rubber wheels dried and cracked. The dumpster is inanimate. Not self-aware. It does not move, nor does it talk. It smells like a pack of buzzards that climbed up into a camel’s asshole and died. And yet, increasingly, American voters are seeing Rancid Dumpster in a favorable light as a presidential candidate.
Says Jerry Curdle, the Dumpster campaign manager, “I mean, what can I say. It’s a Rancid Dumpster, sitting in the blistering summer sun in a back-alley in Barstow, California. It smells so bad it’d strip the paint off a car. It’s so bad it can permanently damage your sense of smell. Drunken bums piss on it. But we’re finding out that people would rather vote for Rancid Dumpster than Clinton or Trump.”
What started as a joke, a protest vote, quickly gained momentum as the major party nominations were sewed up by the worst imaginable candidates. Dumpster’s candidacy was first sugggested by Twitter user @authorkincade, when he tweeted, “Fuck everything. Rather vote for a #Rancid_Dumpster.” Soon, the hashtag was gaining momentum. Before anybody knew it, Rancid Dumpster was the head of the Rancid Dumpster party, leading a powerhouse presidential campaign.
“Maybe he’s not the best candidate in the world,” says political analyst Robert Piggler, “but he’s the best candidate in this election. Rancid Dumpster never made racist remarks. Rancid Dumpster doesn’t throw around childish insults. Rancid dumpster never took money from Goldman Sachs. Rancid Dumpster never ran his own private email server, potentially leaking classified data to foreign governments. Hell, Rancid dumpster just does his job. He just sits there and holds trash from the Golden Palace Chinese Buffet. And that’s what the people really want. Just a little honesty. A little consistency.”
It seems that given the options this year, people would rather vote for a giant steel container full of rotten, fermenting food waste, soiled diapers, spoiled milk, and dead animals, heated under the merciless summer sun until the smell is enough to make people gag three blocks away. “Hey,” says one poll respondent, “At least this way, we know why our candidate stinks.”
Though no public announcement has been made, sources close to the Dumpster campaign say that Dumpster will soon announce Overfull Music Festival Porta-Potty as his running mate.