NOBLE PATRIOT DEFENDS WOMEN’S BATHROOM FROM TRANSEXUALS BY DRESSING UP AS WOMAN, HANGING AROUND WOMEN’S BATHROOMS

By John Peeper, Proboscis Women’s Bathroom Correspondent

Shocked and frightened about the existential threat he didn’t know about until Fox News told him about it several weeks ago, Dixon decided to take matters into his own hands.

RALEIGH, NC—”It’s just scary,” says Cletus Dixon, as he carefully reapplies his fire-engine red lipstick, “they could be anywhere, you know?” He leans against the sink in the women’s bathroom of the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, North Carolina, and purses his lips, before closing them over a piece of tissue paper. He takes a moment to admire his work, then moves on to his eyeshadow. “I mean, god. Men who want to dress up as women, it’s just so wrong. Fucking perverts.”

Dixon, a 35 year old pastor at a nearby Church, says he was inspired to take up this mission after seeing reports on Fox news about the mortal danger presented by trans women using women’s bathrooms. Unable to bear the thought of poor, helpless little girls being creeped upon by lusty, perverted men in dresses, he decided to do something about it. Cletus shaved his legs, donned a summer-blonde wig, slipped on a slinky red dress and four-inch pumps, and started hanging around the women’s bathrooms at the Crabtree Valley Mall.

In an attempt to ferret out the perverted transsexuals in his community, Cletus also plays the lead role in the local theater production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Ever vigilant, Dixon carefully scrutinizes every woman who comes in to the bathroom. “They’re good, so you have to look real close,” he says, “what I like to do is, first thing, I’ll look them up and down, real slow, looking for any bulges or anything like that. And then when they go into a stall to do their business, I’ll usually peek underneath and make sure they’re not standing up. Because that’s a dead giveaway. If I’m still not sure, I like to crowd ’em a little bit at the sink, maybe ‘accidentally’ bump into them. You know, so I know if they’re fake or not.” Dixon readjusts his fake boobs and the red thong panties which bisect his buttcrack. “I just have to make sure they aren’t any perverted men in here.”

The door opens, and a group of three teenage girls walk in, dressed in halter tops and short shorts. “Oh, sweet Jesus,” says Cletus, “look at them. What if some gross, pervy guy in a dress was to come in here, and start drooling on those pretty young ladies? Worse yet, what if one of those cute little butts actually belongs to a dude?” He pulls out his phone and starts recording video of the girls. “I’d better start collecting evidence, just in case. You know, for the police.”