By Wally Waggler, Proboscis Political Correspondent
WASHINGTON DC—In an unprecedented move, United States president Barack Obama announced today that he has authorized the use of remotely piloted hunter-killer drones against prospective Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.
Said Obama in a press conference, “Yes, this is illegal, and it violates the constitution in more ways than I can even think of. However, after talking it over with my advisors and legal counsel, we decided to just go ahead with it, because fuck that guy.
“Eventually we decided, why should we travel to the other side of the globe to assassinate the enemies of democracy, when we’ve got a perfectly good enemy of democracy about 45 minutes away? And yes, we knew there would be civilian casualties. But we reasoned that at this point it would just be hypocritical to start worrying about civilian casualties from drone strikes.”
Both domestically and internationally, response to the president’s decision has been unanimously positive. UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon released a statement which read in part, “while the United nations almost always condemns the use of military force as a tool to affect domestic policy, especially using that force to mercilessly assassinate a legitimate presidential candidate, in this case we’re strangely okay with it.”
In a similar vein, the Nobel Peace Prize committee said, “It’s nice to see that the guy is at long last earning his Nobel Peace Prize.”
President Obama gave the final order early this morning, dispatching a predator drone, equipped with two hellfire missiles, toward’s Trump’s campaign rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Trump took the stage as usual, warming up his fans, slinging juvenile insults and making childish and outlandish claims. Nobody noticed the tiny dot on the eastern horizon, growing ever larger as the remotely piloted aircraft homed in on its target.
“I don’t like to brag, I don’t,” said Donald Trump, “but mine is way bigger than president Obama’s. I mean, his is tiny. Everybody tells me that. People know that. His is like a baby carrot. It’s like a pencil eraser. But mine is like huge. It’s yuge. Just imagine a Pringles can, or one of those tubes of hamburger meat. I mean, it’s just the truth. I have a very large—”
At that moment two hellfire missiles struck Trump, consuming him in a giant fireball, reducing the man-child billionaire presidential candidate to a fine red mist.
In his command center in the White House, Obama high-fived his advisors. “Mission accomplished,” he said, slipping on a pair of sunglasses, “let’s go get faded.”
Then began the first bipartisan drinking binge anybody could remember, with lawmakers from both sides of the aisle putting away their differences to celebrate the death of that loudmouthed, blowhard, petty little dictator-to-be.
“Maybe we’ve been wrong about Obama this whole time.” said senate majority whip John Cornyn, (R-Texas) “I mean, we all said a lot of mean things about him. But I guess we owe him an apology. Turns out he’s a pretty cool dude. I mean, anybody who’s willing to blow up Donald Trump is okay in my book. Everybody’s approval ratings are up, across the board. And let me tell you, the President makes an absolutely killer mojito.” Later that night, Cornyn was seen, along with senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, (R-Kentucky) holding Obama’s legs while the president did a keg stand.
“Yeah, we know that he violated the constitution harder than those missiles violated The Donald,” said McConnell, with a drunken slur, “and ordinarily we’d try to impeach the guy for double parking. But you know what? I think we’re just going to let this one slide.”