By Max Rebo, Proboscis Galactic Affairs Correspondent
CORUSCANT, CORUSCANT SYSTEM—What started out as a bad joke is quickly turning into a nightmare for rational, sentient beings of the galaxy, as the brutal criminal warlord Jabba The Hutt is well on his way to securing a galactic presidential nomination.
Jabba the Hutt, longtime godfather of the Hutt crime syndicate based on the desert planet of Tatooine, was long thought to have died during the destruction of his sail barge by rebel forces. But the gangster recently reappeared on the intergalactic scene, this time as a presidental candidate.
“Fuck everything,” says Leia Organa, former leader of the Rebel Alliance and prominent New Republic politician, “What did we fight the rebellion for, if we’re just going to elect this bloated, slimy worm? We could have all just stayed home and smoked tabacc, and kept the Emperor in power.”
At a recent political rally on Dantooine, Hutt supporters gathered with signs saying things like The Death Star was an Inside Job, and Make the Galaxy Great Again.
The great green worm rode his hoversled up to the podium. As he spoke his native Huttese in a deep, booming voice, a shiny golden protocol droid translated for the crowd.
“Our great and noble master Jabba the Hutt decrees that it is time to make the galaxy great again,” says the droid. “He proposes to deport all Jawas from human planets, as they are filthy creatures, and likely rapists. He also commands that we do away with…oh dear…do away with droids.”
“He’s just what the galaxy needs,” says one supporter of the Hutt, “he isn’t afraid to tell it like it is. He’s just a normal everyday space worm. He isn’t some establishment politician like Mon Mothma. I want a leader who is going to take all the illegals and the damned space liberals, and just toss ’em in a Sarlacc pit. He’s going to get rid of all the illegal aliens stealing our jobs. I mean, I’m not a racist, but fuckin’ Jawas, man. I have nothing against Jawas. I have friends that are Jawas. But some Jawas, you know?”
“It isn’t funny anymore,” says Lando Calrissian, space political analyst, “look at the guy’s record. He’s…he’s a villian. Why don’t people remember that? He’s not a politician, he’s a gangster. He’s a bully, with a bully’s instinctive understanding of human psychology and human weakness. And he’s using that, riding to power on a platform of fear, anger, and aggression. Don’t we remember the last guy that did that? It didn’t end well.”
Lando sighs, leans back in his chair, and takes a sip of Chandrilan brandy. “Let’s not forget that I’ve personally done business with the Hutts on several occasions. And I have to say I question Jabba’s motives in running for the galactic presidency. Let’s face it: Everything he’s ever done in his life up until this point has been motivated by greed, jealousy, or outright hatred. He’s a bloated, self-important worm. To believe that at this point he’s suddenly grown a conscience or some sense of civic duty is, frankly, dangerously naive.
“To look at it another way, he’s been the head of a criminal empire nearly his entire life. He’s made obscene amounts of money, and enjoyed absolute power. I mean absolute power. In terms of money and power, which is all he understands, the galactic presidency is a step down. Which again begs the question, why does Jabba the Hutt want to be president? I don’t know for sure, but if you believe that he’s doing it to help out the little guy, I have some shares in a Tibanna gas mine to sell you.”