DEAR GAYS: STOP BEING SO DAMNED WHOLESOME. LOVE, SATAN

SATANSatan’s Soapbox

By Satan, Proboscis Guest Columnist

Satan here. As you all know, people have associated me with homosexuality since the beginning of time. But surprisingly enough, I’ve only recently become aware of this whole “homosexual agenda” thing, and I think it’s high time I put a stop to this nonsense.

I mean, really. Love? Marriage? Holy matrimony? Monogamy? Major celebrities out and proud? Legal protection at the federal level? I see what you’re up to, and this just needs to stop.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the gays. But I think you’re all forgetting what homosexuality is really supposed to be about: Shame. Homosexuality should be about shame, guilt, and dark secrets, people. It’s about furtive meetings in gas-station bathrooms, deeply hidden secrets, broken marriages and wasted lives.

Mmm…that’s what gets my motor running.

So when I see happy, proud people openly expressing their sexuality, throwing parades, falling in love, getting married and raising families, I throw up in my mouth a little. I feel like I’m watching a John Hughes movie on ecstasy. I mean, ugh. Gay pride day at Disneyland? Parades? Rainbow Oreos? A flipping gay cable channel? How is the next generation supposed to learn to despise their own nature and desperately hide their most authentic selves?

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You there, stop that! Stop that self-acceptance! Get down here this instant.

It is a sad day when the gay youth of our country must resort to the schoolyard to learn self-loathing.

I’m looking at you, Neil-Patrick Harris. You, with your happy husband, your total lack of regret, shame, or guilt. Your model family. You, setting a positive example, raising your smiling little children in a supportive, loving environment. How could you. How could you?

I’m looking at you, Ellen Degeneres. Just…just being gay like it’s no big deal, just acknowledging it and going on with your life. Children are watching your show, you know. Don’t you feel any responsibility at all to teach them to hate the person that God made them?

Have you all forgotten? You’re supposed to be ashamed. You’re supposed to keep your true nature hidden, entering a heterosexual marriage for the sake of appearances, denying your true self’s needs while the bitterness slowly destroys your soul. You should be redirecting your self-loathing towards others, lashing out at your children for no reason, blaming your long-suffering wife for the attraction you’ve never felt for her, persecuting those who come out and publicly admit what you never could.

Hypocrisy, lies, shame, guilt. That’s what it’s all about. Water-stained pornographic magazines hidden away high in the rafters of the garage. Old men looking back on their lives with cold regret, drinking themselves to death in shabby inner-city apartments, propositioning boys in the park. Teenagers crying themselves to sleep after giving in to their sordid, filthy desires, boys desperately trying to think about girls while they pleasure themselves. Teenagers throwing accusations at others to turn attention away from themselves. Guilt-wracked men and women volunteering for twisted, cult-like conversion therapy, flocking to churches in desperate, doomed hope that they can somehow pray away their own deepest and truest nature, only to be crushed when they inevitably fail.

Oh, yeah. That’s what Satan likes.

We had a beautiful thing here, gays, until you went and ruined it with your rainbow flags and your exuberant broadway musicals. For shame. For shame.

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