By Reba Colander, Proboscis Political Correspondent
GREENVILLE, SC—After months of bitter debate, divisive campaigning, accusations, and name-calling that would embarrass elementary school children, the most recent Republican debate took a turn for the gruesome, leaving Donald Trump the Republican candidate by default after the aging tycoon brutally murdered his primary opponents.
The debate started like any other. The candidates filed onto stage, smiling and waving amongst scattered applause and boos. The moderator began with a question about the recent death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and the candidates weighed in. After that initial exchange, the debate heated up as the candidates threw increasingly vicious personal attacks at each other.
“Donald Trump is a stinky poopy pants!” exclaimed Jeb Bush.
“I’m rubber,” replied Trump, jabbing his finger at the podium, “you’re glue. Bounces off me…and sticks to you.”
A flustered Jeb Bush had no reply.
“I heard Ben Carson plays with Barbies,” said Marco Rubio.
Carson blushed and shook his head vigorously. “Nu-uh, you play with Barbies. You play with My Little Ponies.”
“No I don’t!”
“Yes you do!”
Marco Rubio said, “No I don’t, but let’s dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”
The moderator brought the conversation briefly back under control with a question about national security policy. The candidates managed to stay on topic for another few minutes, before Trump folded a page of his notes into a paper airplane and threw it, striking John Kasich in the ear. “Ow!” said Kasich, “Come on you guys, quit it! That’s not funny!”
Jeb Bush tried to answer the moderator’s question about Planned Parenthood, but halfway through explaining how he’d outlaw all abortions, Donald Trump interrupted. “Hey Jeb,” he said.
Jeb sighed, exasperated. “What?”
“Your mother,” Trump began, “your mother is so fat,” he paused for effect, “that her blood type is Nutella.”
Surprisingly, Jeb Bush only smiled at the jab. “Well Donald, my mother is Barbara Bush, and anybody can see that she’s at quite a healthy weight for her height and her age. So that can only mean you’re a liar.” the crowd cheered. “You’re a liar liar, pants on fire. Hanging from a telephone wire.”
The crowd went wild. Bush smiled in relief, waving to his supporters. Unnoticed by Bush, Trump’s face darkened, his expression twisting into a petulant scowl as he glanced sideways at his rival.
Dr. Ben Carson took the microphone, mumbling incoherently.
Unnoticed by the other candidates, Trump pulled an aluminum baseball bat out from underneath the podium.
“Hey Jeb,” said Trump.
Jeb rolled his eyes dramatically. “What, Donald?”
“Gimmie your lunch money.”
“What, no!” Jeb said, “My mom gave me this money to buy a pizza pocket and some chocolate milk!”
“Gimmie the money, Jeb,” Donald poked Jeb in the belly with the baseball bat, “gimmie it.”
“No Donald, gosh, just leave me alone!”
“See, this is the kind of leadership this country needs,” said Trump, turning to face the audience. “These are the kind of negotiating skills that are going to make America great again.” The crowd applauded. “If you want something, you gotta take it. Let’s say Jeb here is Syria, and his lunch money is oil. Do I ask real nice, all namby pamby, and set up a committee? No! I just take it. And if he doesn’t give me the money—”
At that moment, Trump swung the baseball bat, crushing Jeb’s skull in one blow, spraying the front row of the crowd with blood like watermelon at a Gallagher show. After a moment of shocked silence, the crowd went nuts, leaping to their feet and screaming in adoration.
“That’s the art of the deal!” said Trump, spreading his arms wide and soaking in the love.
“Is this really the kind of debate we want?” Said John Kasich, “I’m really worried that this kind of infighting is going to hand Hillary the election.”
“Hey Willy Loman, you want some of this, you sad piece of shit?” said Trump, before he beat Kasich to death.
“Order, order!” said the moderator.
“Let’s dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing…” were Rubio’s last words before he, too, fell to Trump’s aluminum baseball bat.
Trump turned to his only remaining opponent, Dr. Ben Carson.
“At least it’s finally over,” said Carson. Trump dropped the bat and strangled Dr. Carson to death with his bare hands.
Standing over the bodies of his fallen foes, Trump held up his bloodstained hands and yelled, “Let’s make America great again!”
Interviewed later, Republican voters were enthusiastic. “I feel like he really made some great points. He gets things done. That’s the kind of leadership America needs.”
Editor’s note: It comes to our attention that Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was entirely absent from this debate. This omission was obviously not a careless mistake made by an overcaffeinated hack writer with the attention-span of a hamster. To understand the medical condition which caused Ted Cruz to miss this debate, (inadvertently saving his life) please see: Obama nominates Jesus Christ to Supreme Court; Republicans vow to block appointment