By Sherpa Derper, Proboscis Water Affairs Correspondent
FLINT, MI—In a press conference today, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder announced that in order to make up for budget shortfalls, the city of Flint would begin bottling and selling its unique mineral-infused water, straight out of the scenic Flint river.
“The market for vitamin and mineral infused water is huge right now,” says Snyder, “So we said to ourselves, Flint’s water is infused with all kinds of stuff! Instead of looking at our water…issues…as a humanitarian and environmental holocaust, why not make it a positive? We find that the taste of lead, leached out of our carefully aged plumbing system, adds a subtle zest and spice to the water, not to mention the extra tang from the acidic water conditions that are dissolving our pipes in the first place. Fiji has its own unique water, The Sierra Nevada mountains have their own water, why not share the singular taste of Flint, Michigan with the world?
“In addition to providing your body with far more than the RDA of lead, Flint20 is chock full of all kinds of good-for-you stuff, like a variety of heavy metals and industrial solvents. Flint20 also helps to build a strong immune system, by exposing your immune system to the life threatening water-borne illnesses that Flint’s water contains.”
With that, Governor Snyder unveiled the first batch of Flint20, a sickly-yellow liquid in a plastic bottle. As an assistant passed around samples of the product to attendees of the press conference, Governor Snyder played a commercial on a projection screen.
“Lead,” the commercial begins, accompanied by a slow pan of ancient frescoes, “Lead has been used in indoor plumbing since the beginning of civilization. Ancient Romans even put powdered lead onto food as a seasoning.” The camera cuts to a picture of a Roman soldier chugging a bottle of yellow water as heavy metal music plays in the background. “Romans ate lead for breakfast, and the Romans were bad-ass! If lead is good enough for Romans, it’s good enough for us.”
“So remember,” says Snyder as the commercial finishes, speaking loudly to be heard over the sound of reporters gagging as they sample the bottled water, “Pick up some Flint20, the mineral water so good, you’ll go crazy for it!”