By Satan, Proboscis Guest Columnist
Satan here. I’ve concluded negotiations with Cooter Jackson, editor of this fine publication, and in exchange for certain…currency…I’ve agreed to occasionally write an op-ed column for The Mud Lake Proboscis. And so, for the first installment of the new column Satan’s Soapbox, I’d like to talk about some fellows who have been making a lot of headlines lately. I’m talking about ISIS, the Islamic terrorist organization currently rampaging through the Middle East, murdering and raping their way to establishing a medieval style Islamic caliphate. I have a message for these upstarts:
Please. Just stop. It’s tacky. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
As most of you know, I’ve been doing this whole evil thing for a long time. I’m something of an authority on the subject, if I do say so myself. When you get to be as experienced as I, you start to appreciate subtlety. Nuance. Craftsmanship. A certain amount of savoir faire.
But there’s always some young upstart, some crass nouveau evil, running around doing evil like he just invented it. Once it was Genghis Khan, then that Hitler fellow, and now it’s ISIS. It’s pathetic.
Stoning adulterers? Rape? Slavery? Please. That kind of thing was played out before the dark ages. Now, well, now it’s just not done. And oh, sodomizing homosexuals and throwing them off of buildings. Please. How long did it take you to come up with that brilliant scheme? Whatever happened to intricate plots to corrupt the hearts of mankind? Forcing good people into Faustian bargains, tempting them with the very thing they desire most in their secret heart of hearts, and then extracting a cost more terrible than anything they could have imagined? Where’s your respect for the classics?
Running prisoners over with a bulldozer? Stepping on babies? My God, it’s like someone invited you to a nice cocktail party, and you showed up wearing cargo shorts and a ‘Chive On’ T-shirt, drinking malt liquor out of a beer helmet. You’re making fools of yourselves. Nobody’s actually going to say anything to your face, of course. Old Evil is much too polite for that. They’ll just go back to the bar at the private golf club that you’ll never be invited to, and then they’ll have a good chuckle about your idiocy.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, ISIS. Your hearts are in the right place. You’ve got potential. You just need to realize that this sort of thing is tacky. It’s jejune. Evil, real evil, is just laughing at you and your petite bourgeoisie posturing. When you’re truly evil, there’s a confidence that comes with that. A certain je ne sais quoi. People look at you and they just know you’re evil. There’s no need to prove it to anyone with childish stunts.
So step up your game, ISIS. Get with the twenty-first century. Stop all this teenage evil nonsense. Destroying world heritage sites? That’s the evil equivalent of putting platinum spin rims and ground effects on your Honda Civic, then driving by a retirement home playing Chamillionaire at ear-bleeding volume. I have sad news for you. This doesn’t make anyone think you’re cool or dangerous. This makes people think you’re douchebags.
If you want to come be evil at the grownup table, you’ve got a lot of work to do. Trade in that Honda for a Mercedes. Hire some lawyers. Get a nice wool suit and some leather shoes that match your belt. For fuck’s sake, stop crucifying children. And maybe someday, when you’ve put all this silly adolescent angst behind you, we’ll have something to talk about.