By Thomas Crapper, Proboscis Fecal Correspondent
MENLO PARK, CA— In a press conference today, Facebook, the social networking giant, announced that it has paired with all major toilet manufacturers to install wireless functionality and sensor packages in all new toilets, in order to allow Facebook to track and share all aspects of its user’s bowel movements.
Says Facebook spokesman Eric Ruggle, “We felt like this was the best way for Facebook to keep its edge and stay in the forefront of creepily collecting and oversharing user’s data without their knowledge or consent. I mean, a person’s bowel movements, it doesn’t get much more private than that, right? What could possibly be more appropriate for our company to covertly collect massive amounts of data about, and then share with the general public?”
The new toilets will feature a host of sensor packages that provide a treasure trove of data about user’s feces, including length, diameter, volume and displacement. It then uses its built-in wifi capability to connect to Facebook’s cloud-based fecal analysis software, which paints a comprehensive picture of the user’s stool. Facebook uses this data to instantly post a turd-update on a user’s Facebook page. “We felt like it would be best it we made this completely automatic, something that would happen without the user’s knowledge or approval. Why? Because fuck you, we’re Facebook. If users don’t want their most private, sensitive, embarrassing information shared all over the world, then they should probably just stay the fuck off of Facebook. And the internet in general, for that matter.”
Ruggle adds that there is a way to disable the turd tracking feature, but you might as well not bother trying, since you’ll just give up in frustration after searching through the privacy settings menus for forty minutes.
While this new feature is, for now, simply meant to cause overwhelming embarrassment and humiliation, Facebook has plans to further refine its algorithms, using fecal data to better understand user’s eating habits and improve targeted advertisements.
According to Facebook, the turd tracking feature has already been online for eight months. In that time, your every bowel movement has been dutifully recorded, categorized, and posted to your friend’s and family’s news feeds, but nobody told you about it because they were too embarrassed for you to say anything.