By Merkle Fudge, Proboscis Society Correspondent
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Horrifi, the hot new dating app for foul creatures whose very existence is an insult to god, is making waves in the demon, monster, and magical creature community.
“It’s really great,” says Sha’ga Dhoul, a demon from the hell dimension of Krassk, “You know, it’s just so hard to meet someone who shares your interests. When you’re a working professional like me, you’re always in some other dimension, or in the far reaches of space. So it’s really great to have this app to help find someone compatible. I spend all day corrupting the souls of the innocent and defiling the pure, and I just don’t have the energy to go out to a bar at the end of the day. And how else is a hell-spawn supposed to meet someone? So, this is great. I just want to find someone to chat with, who maybe wants just to order a pizza and watch some netflix, and maybe dismember a few virgin sacrifices with me.”
Until now, online dating has been largely restricted to humans. App creator Gus Pringle says, “I made a lot of blood sacrifices and worshiped a lot of evil, unspeakable horrors to be the successful entrepreneur I am today. But I noticed that a lot of the Elder Gods and the demons I worship were having a hard time finding someone they could connect with. I mean, they put on a good show, with their terrible majesty and their vicious bloodthirsty rages, but underneath all of that, I saw something else. I saw loneliness. When you’re the last of your kind, large as a mountain, unspeakably evil and lurking in the void between worlds, how do you meet someone? Sure they wanted virgin sacrifices, but was it to feast on their unblemished flesh, or did they just want someone to hold? So I threw together this app, to try and connect all of the blasphemous horrors lurking in the shadows and the unspeakable places, to try to bring them together and maybe, you know, make some sparks fly. So far the response has been really positive.”
According to Pringle, users create a profile with a picture, listing age, dimension, sexual preference, tentacle count, interests and hobbies, and the app gives them space to tell potential demon-mates a little bit about themselves. The app uses GPS positioning to find compatible demon spawn in the same geographic location and dimension, and gives users the chance to view pictures and send messages to potential mates.
Sha’ga Dhoul shows us how the app works. She pulls out her phone and touches the icon, and the Horrifi app fills the screen. “See,” she says, “it searches your location, and gives you a list of compatible hell-creatures in your area.” She scrolls through the list. “No, no, yuck, um, no, I don’t do bat-wings, no, too short, no… hey, this one’s cute. I like what he’s got going on with the fangs. Okay, so I’m going to send him a message.” She types into her phone, ‘Hey there cutie, your hell dimension or mine? Lol jk :)’
A minute later, a response: “Sorry honey, I’m into tentacles.”
“Shit.” Says Sha’ga.