By Harry Bumble, Proboscis Lycanthropy Correspondent
SANTA CRUZ, CA— After being a werewolf for most of a year, Bobby Drimble decided to try marijuana to ease the pain of his monthly transformation. “Yeah, turning into a werewolf hurts like hell. It basically breaks all your bones. But, it turns out you can get medical marijuana for lycanthropy, so I figured, hey, why not give it a try?”
Immediately before transforming into a murderous supernatural creature, Bobby sat on his couch and took several bong-hits of what the pot store clerk described as “Some dank-ass shit.”
Bobby doesn’t remember anything that happens once he turns into a werewolf, but according to eyewitnesses, he transformed as usual. However, instead of running off howling into the night and committing a string of grisly murders like he normally does on nights of the full moon, Werewolf-Bobby sat quietly on the couch, eyes glazed, and watched several episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, often laughing at inappropriate times. At one point he was heard to mutter, “paws are just, like, wild hands.”
The night soon took a horrific turn as the werewolf’s hunger took hold, and he went on the hunt. The carnage began when the creature viciously attacked the Taco Bell value menu.
“That shit was brutal.” Says Jamal Smith, night clerk at the local Taco Bell. “That wolfie high as fuck. Cool dude, thought. Motherfucker ate everything.” A dozen shredded chicken mini quesadillas and as many caramel apple empanadas later, Bobby again fled into the night, leaving strewn wrappers and spattered fire sauce in his wake.
Apparently not satisfied with one kill, Werewolf bobby went back on the prowl, soon winding up at a local Pizza Hut, where he consumed three all-meat pizzas and an order of breadsticks. Employees report that the werewolf said “that pepperoni was a totally crazy word, when you stop and think about it. Pep-per-oooo-ni.”
His appetite finally sated for the time being, the supernatural creature left the pizza restaurant and was later spotted at a local Rite-Aid, wandering aimlessly down the aisles and looking at shiny things. He left near their closing time, having purchased an assortment of Reeses, a Dr. Pepper, a half-gallon of Pecan Praline ice cream and a tube of chapstick. According to the cashier, the werewolf reported having had a great idea for a business, but had forgotten what it was.
The vicious animal wrapped up the night of bloodthirsty carnage at the local park, where he lay on the grass and contemplated the universe. “It’s like, we’re like a part of it.” He said, “And we’re a part of it. It’s all one… wait, what was I talking about? I just realized that my eyes are really close together.”