STOCKTON, CA— Russel Withers came to the Lotus Blossom spa looking for a little more than just a massage. And he found it!
“It was a Friday and I’d just got payed, and, you know, I was just looking to relax a little bit. Release some tension,” Russel says with a chuckle. “The old happy ending, you know what I mean? So I went to the new spa downtown. It looked like the right kind of place.”
By “happy ending”, Russell was of course referring to the illicit sexual services rumored to be available in seedier massage parlors.
Russel, a night manager at the local Taco Bell, says he entered the spa and was led to a back room, where he received a massage. “We were twenty minutes or so into it, and it all seemed pretty normal. She was real professional and everything, so I was starting to wonder if I was even in the right kind of massage place. But when she had me turn over onto my back I just went ahead and asked if there was any way I could get anything, you know, extra.”
According to Russel, the masseuse, instead of calling the police, answered, “Oh, you mean you want a happy ending?”
Russel responded that he did, in fact, desire a happy ending. “So then, she smiles at me and puts her hand right on my thigh. And then she told me that I was actually adopted, and that my real parents were the king and queen of the magical kingdom of Belsthemane, but my real father just died. All of the scribes and scholars in the kingdom had been searching high and low for the heir to the throne, but it turns out that it’s me. So she says that I’m the king now.”
The masseuse continued on to inform Russel that an evil sorcerer named Grendluron had trapped the fairest princess in all of the kingdom within an enchanted block of ice for the past hundred years. But just the day before yesterday, while the sorcerer was at a nearby inn, a clumsy stable-boy accidentally shattered the magic locket that held the sorcerer’s power, and the sorcerer suddenly disappeared in a column of purple flame. The princess awoke, and could now marry the king.
“Yeah, then the masseuse kneeled, and she yelled, ‘Arise, my leige, and don raiments befitting the true king!’ Trumpets were blasting out of somewhere. But anyway she gave me these nice silk robes, and then she led me outside to where a golden carriage drawn by eight white horses was waiting. There was a huge crowd of people all crying and cheering, and little girls were throwing rose petals at my feet. They took me to the magical kingdom of Belsthemane, and I got to meet my council of wizards and my dwarf smiths and all of my elven butlers and my harem. And the next day I had my coronation, then I married the princess. Which was awesome because she’s super hot.” Russel grins and adds, “And let me tell you, these Belsthemanian girls get freeeakaayy…”
All in all, says Russel, it’s an improvement over his old life. “I mean, I’m living in a palace, castle type thing now. It’s a lot better than the trailer I was living in in my mom’s yard. And I can totally take all the gold I want out of the kingdom’s coffers, so I quit my job at Taco bell. I’ve got frickin’ sorcerers at my command. Oh yeah, and did I mention I’ve got a harem? That’s definitely pretty cool. I’ve basically got nothing to worry about for the rest of my life.”
Russel adds that he would definitely go back to that massage place, because, “That was one fuckin’ awesome happy ending.”