By Cole Portier, Proboscis retail surgery correspondent
BENTONVILLE, AR- In an effort to help its low-income customers, Wal-Mart chain of discount superstores this week introduced Wal-Mart Organ Express, convenient walk-in clinics located inside most Wal-Mart stores, where customers can exchange vital organs for cash or store credit.
Says Wal-Mart spokesperson Cletus Dahmer, “We here at Wal-Mart know that times are tough. Though our founders are some of the richest people on the planet, they haven’t lost sight how hard they’re making it for the little guy. That’s why we’ve begun providing our customers with the opportunity to utilize their most valuable natural resources: their own internal organs. Even the most economically disadvantaged Wal-Mart shopper is carrying around a treasure trove of vital organs. We’re simply giving them an opportunity to tap into those resources.”
Dahmer states that the clinics are designed with ease-of-use in mind. “We’ve gone out of our way to make it easy, so even those of you who have the mental development of a six year old, those of you who are spun out on drugs or falling-down drunk, those of you too uneducated to sign your own names, can still trade a kidney for some cold, hard cash. With our new clinics, the process is as simple as walking in, selecting the organ you’d like to sell, and scribbling something on the consent and liability waiver. In minutes we’ll have you under local anesthetic, (General anesthetic is available for a small extra fee) and within a half hour you’ll be back out in our store aisles, doped to the gills on pain meds, with a fistful of grocery money. For an additional small fee we’ll even provide you with a DVD of the procedure, for you to share with your family and friends. Why it’s so easy, we even have our own employees come in and sell an organ, get enough money to pay the rent that they couldn’t cover with what they make at their job, and still show up on time for their shift. Because we’ll fire them if they’re late. We don’t give a fuck if they just had major surgery. We do not give one single fuck.”
While he admits that Wal-Mart’s prices for viable organs fall below standard market rates, Dahmer says Organ Express more than makes up for that with convenience. “If you were to sell your organs in a more traditional market, sure, you’d get more money. But think about it. You’d have to find a buyer, negotiate a price, travel to an actual hospital with a qualified surgeon, I mean, the process could take months. Here at Wal-Mart, you’ll have money in your hand in less than an hour, and all without the expensive frills of an actual hospital or actual doctors or sterile tools. Having completed a thirty-hour training course, our surgeon associates are more than qualified to slice you open, yank out the appropriate organ, and staple you up again. Of course, they haven’t had any real medical training at all, but they’ve watched a lot of training videos, and they get it right most of the time. And when they’re not busy at the clinic, we just put them back on the cash register where they started.”
Wal-Mart would like to remind people that many internal organs are redundant, and frankly, nobody even know what some of them do. “Lungs, kidneys, why do you think God gave you two of them? And why stop with your own body? Bring your kids, your family, your elderly parents with dementia. So long as they can scribble on the waiver, we’ll take the organs and fork over the cash. So stop by and talk to our certified surgeon-associates today.”