By Howard Diggler, Proboscis Magical Object Correspondent
TUCSON, AZ— Local gas station attendant Merle Boggart tells The Proboscis that the Magic Eight-Ball he purchased from ebay was once owned by legendary occultist Aleister Crowley.
“Oh yeah, it’s completely true.” Says Boggart, “I mean, people don’t lie about that kind of thing on ebay.” According to the seller, the popular children’s toy was enchanted by Crowley, using unspeakable black magicks and blood sacrifices to the nameless horrors that lurk in the darkness between worlds. The seller’s description of the product states that the tortured spirit trapped within the Magic Eight Ball’s inky depths gives correct answers to yes or no questions one hundred percent of the time.
“I’m telling you, it’s creepy.” Says Boggart, who purchased the magical object for an undisclosed sum. “This thing is scary. It’s always right. The only problem is, it’s got a little bit of an attitude. Sometimes it’s kind of hard to tell if it’s being sarcastic. Like, when I asked it if I’d win the lottery if I spent my rent money on powerball tickets, it said, ‘signs point to yes’. But then I didn’t win. I guess it was just messing with me. But then after I got evicted and I was living in the park, I asked it if it was going to rain the next day. It said, ‘very doubtful’, and it was right on the money.”
Boggart has placed complete faith in the mysterious oracle, which he says points him in the right direction “oh, at least half the time.” With practice, he claims he’ll soon understand the orb’s cryptic moods, and then will be on a fast track to wealth and power.
Merle places both hands reverently on the Magic Eight-Ball. “Oh magic oracle,” he says, “If I’d asked Rebecca Sturgeon to the senior prom like I’d wanted to, would she be married to me now, instead of that software engineer guy she moved to Hawaii with?”
“Don’t count on it.” Is the oracle’s response.
“See?” Boggart chuckles. “There’s that sarcasm again.”