ROSWELL MAN FINDS ALIEN STAR-DRIVE; MAKES IT INTO BONG

By Fred Flaccid, Proboscis Science Correspondent

dude

Shadowy government agents examine UFO wreckage in 1947, shortly before initiating a massive and far-reaching coverup.

ROSWELL, NM— In 1947, this small desert town was the site of the most famous UFO incident in history, when an alien craft allegedly crashed at a local ranch. Ever since, the area has been a mecca for UFO researchers and enthusiasts. Despite the enthusiasm, a government cover-up of the incident left believers with no physical evidence to prove that the crash actually happened.

That is, until this last Friday. That’s when local pizza delivery man Dale Macguff accidentally found something that managed to remain hidden for nearly seventy years, despite diligent searches from police, government agencies, and dedicated UFOlogists.

“I was just wanderin’ through the desert, you know, smokin’ a doob,” says Dale, as he shows off the device. “It was mostly under the dirt, but a flash flood must have uncovered a corner of it. I knew it was somethin’ weird, because the pebbles around it were floating in the air.”

What Macguff apparently found was the long-missing propulsion drive from the alien craft which crash-landed in the area shortly after World War Two.

“I mean, I dug this thing up, and as soon as it touched me all my hair stood up on end. It was like, vibrating in my hands. And then I thought about being at home in my living room, and, poof. All of a sudden I was there.”

Dale MacGuff

Destroying the priceless device was worthwhile, says Dale, because “This bitch hits hella smooth.”

According to experts, this fabled propulsion unit is what allows alien craft to break the known laws of physics, defying gravity and travelling through the stars at faster-than-light speeds. Physicist Ralph Bungle says, “This device, if it exists, is the holy grail of—well—of everything. It would solve the world’s energy problems, unlock the secret to antigravity and interstellar travel, and probably a hundred other technologies we haven’t even thought of. It’s literally priceless. Whoever has this thing, I hope they’re taking good care of it.”

Unfortunately, Dale decided to make it into a bong.

“I mean, I knew it was something special.” Says Dale. “So I though, man, that would make an awesome bong. I opened it up and and there were like a bunch of wires and gears and junk inside. So I used a hammer and a broom handle to knock all that shit out. I broke a couple of drillbits before I managed to put a bowl and a carb in it, but eventually I made it work.”

Despite having ruined a priceless, world-changing artifact, Dale is pleased. “I mean, Star Trek is cool and everything, so maybe I should have given it to the government or sold it or something. But man, it makes a really great bong.” Dale picks a pinkie-sized bud out of a ziploc bag and packs it into the bowl of the device. “I mean,” he says, before putting his lips to the artifact, “this thing rips like a bitch.”

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